Newest jokes

Why did the fly fly ?

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8

men and 4 women:

Defendant: ''Your Honor, I wish to change my
plea.''

Judge: ''Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to

change your mind?''

Defendant: ''No sir, when I pleaded Not
Guilty I didn't know
there would be women on the jury. Since I
can't even fool my
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women
jurors.''

A husband and wife were at a party chatting
with some
friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came
up.
''Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great

relationship,''
the husband explained. ''She was a communications major in
college and
I
majored in theatre arts.'' He continued, ''She
communicates well and I
act
like I'm listening.''

A man took his wife to the doctors.
After
a short examination the doctor said
''Your wife's mind has
completely gone!''
To which the man replied ''I'm not surprised.
She's
been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25
years!''

''Ever since we got married, my wife has tried
to change me. She
got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how
to invest in the stock market,'' said the
man.

''Sounds like
you may be bitter because she changed you so

drastically,''
remarked his friend.

''I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she
just isn't good
enough
for me.''

What did the slug say as he slipped

down the window very fast?
How slime flies!

What did one slug say to another who
had hit him and
rushed off?
I'll get you next slime!

Q: What do you call a brunette and three

blondes in a corner?

A: You don't, you see if you've got 3
condoms.

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteerto tell a story. Suzy said, ''Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad.'' The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, ''Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.'' Next is little Lucy. ''Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.'' The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies ''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.''Last is little Billy. ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands''. The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, ''Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking.''

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, ''We're learning about sexual education.'' She smiled, and said, ''At least he's learning something usefull.'' Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, ''Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table.''

There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, ''Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go'',the child molester cries out,''You think your scared I have to walk home alone!''

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in themiddle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in thedelivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lanternand said, ''Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.''Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.''Whoa there Scotty!'' said the doctor. ''Don't be in a rush to put thelantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come.''Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.''No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!'' cried the doctor.The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. ''Doye think it's the light that's attractin' them?''

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noisescoming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walkeddown the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it tothe end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroomlight had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom andsaw his father removing a used condom.''Daddy, what are you doing?'' asked little Johnny.His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tellhis son.I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice.''replied his father.Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,''Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?''

Yo mama so poor I stepped in her house and I
was in
the backyard.

Yo mama is so hairy, that Bigfoot tried
to
take her picture!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It
was a boxer!

|A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.The doctor said, ''Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.''The client asked, ''What? How's that possible?''The doctor replied, ''You see, it's totally unused.''

|A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, ''Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me.''

|Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Why didn't the dog play
cards on his ocean
cruise?
Because the captain stood on the deck.