Newest jokes

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.''The teacher says, ''No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?''Another little boy stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.''Again the teacher says, ''No, that's wrong.'' The teacher asks, ''Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?''Little Johnny stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.'' ''Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?''Little Johnny says, ''That's easy. Two plus two be fore.''

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recentlydivorced mother her age? She told him that was not a questionto ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that shewouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should askand to not ask that question again. He went away.A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She askedwhat he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly toldher he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at herdriver's license.He said, ''Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddydivorced you because you got an 'F' in sex.''

What is the difference between boogers and spinach? You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to adrawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His motherfinally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked ''Who'sthat you're drawing, son?''The son answered, ''God.''''Don't be silly,'' reproved the mother. ''Nobody knows what Godlooks like.''Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly,''They will when I'm finished!''

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. ''I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up insuch a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.'' The psychiatrist replies: ''What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?'' Sent by Yasha

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet headingover the Pacific Ocean,Suddenly, a Message is announced,''Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late''''Damn!'' Said the Irishman,10 mins later, ''I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,We`ll be 1 hour late''20 mins later,''Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late''Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,''Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up hereall day!!''

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, ''Hey, I got this great Polish Joke...'' The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: ''Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers'' ''Okay'' says the customer,''I'll tell it very slowly.''

A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, ''I'm moving here from thecity, what do you guys do around here?''The men answered, ''Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw''.He then asked, ''What do you hunt and kill?''The men replied, ''Sumt'n ta screw.''

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship.''Let's have a drink like we did in the old days,'' the first Scotwinked at his mate.''Aye,'' his mate replied. ''And don't forget it's your shout.''

What did they call Dracula when he won the
league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel
supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to
start
with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young
player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

You know why there's a string on a tampon? So the crabs can bungee jump.

How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks ''What's that?'' Her sister replies ''That is my possum, sis!'' The young girl replies ''Oh, OK'' The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing at her pussy again asks ''What's that?'' Her mother replies ''That's my possum!'' The young girl again replies ''Oh, OK'' The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and once again pointing at her pussy asks ''What's that?'' The grandmother replies ''That's my possum!'' The young girl replies ''Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?'' The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies ''No, deary, why do you ask?'' The young girl replies ''Oh, its just that your possums tongue is sticking out!''

Yeah, fat broads are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said ''What are you doing?''She said ''I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.''And the guy responded ''Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old''!

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,''What are those for?''The elderly gentleman replied, ''There are just two things I can't stand...''the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!''

Two men were changing in the locker room
after a game of tennis. One
notices the other one is putting on pair of
stockings and suspenders.
He says ''When did you start wearing them?''
To which the other man
replies ''Since my wife found a pair on the
back seat of the car.''

The
child was a typical four-year-old
girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed
difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to
pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the

church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception,
etc.
''Now do you understand?'' he asked.
''I think
so,'' she said, ''is that when mommy came to work for
us?''