Newest jokes

What do you call a letter sent up the
chimney
on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

A woman walks into a hardware store and says ''I want to buy a hinge.'' The clerk says ''Do you wanna screw for that hinge?'' The woman says, ''No, but I'll blow you for the toaster.''

What did the footballer say when he accidentally

burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can
sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What
do you get if you drop a piano on a
team's defence?
A flat back four!

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?3 dollars a year for a million years.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.The bartender turned around and said, ''Is this some kind of a joke?''

An old lady was considering buying a
squirrel fur
coat. ''But will it be all right in the rain?'' she asked
anxiously.
''Oh certainly, ma'am,'' said the manager smoothly.
''After all,
you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?''

How does a
group of dolphin's make
a decision?
Flipper coin!

You know all that talk about backseat

driving?

Well, I've been driving all my life and can safely
say that I've
never heard a word from the back seat.

What
kind of car do you drive?

A hearse!

A man whose son had just passed his
driving
test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven
slap into
the living room. ''How did you manage to do that?'' he fumed.
''Quite
simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned
left!''

''Take the wheel, Harry!'' said the
nervous lady driver. ''There's a tree
coming straight for us!''

Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

''Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head.''


His mother replies, ''No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously

deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect
your
feelings.''

- How many Russians does it take to screw in

a light bulb?
- That is a military secret. If I told you I'd
have to kill you.

-
How many survivors of nuclear war does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. People that glow in the
dark don't need lights.

- How many Iraqis does it take to launch a

Scud missile?
- Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find
out where it
landed.

Why did the
army send so many women with
PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water
for 4 days.

Manager: Twenty
teams in the league and you
lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been
worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bitesoff my roosters feet, what do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? Gee, we really do taste like chicken.