Newest jokes

Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. ''To remove that vibrator,'' said the doctor, ''I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation.'' ''I don't think I can afford that,'' said Sally. ''Could you just replace the batteries?''

How do you change a blonde's mind? Buy her another beer.

How do you confuse a blonde?Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.How do you confuse her even more?Ask her where she went.Sent by Chris

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.He had not eaten anything during this period and wasfamished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple ofpark rangers happen to find him at that moment, andarrested him for killing an endangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.In the judges closing statement he asked the man, ''Iwould like you to tell me something before I let you go.I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.What did it taste like?'' The man answered, ''Well,it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and aspotted owl.''

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. Hesurpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to himafter an encounter with a porcupine.After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, hereturned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.''Fifteen dollars, Ma'am,'' he answered.''Why that's simply outrageous!'' she stormed. ''That's what's wrong withyou Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?''''Raise porcupines, Ma'am.''

Learner driver: What happens when

everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong

lane.

What is an autograph?
A chart which
shows car sales.

What is an autobiography?
The life
story of an automobile.

Why did the dolphin feel crabby?

Because he ate too many crabs!

Does a dolphin ever do something by

accident?
No, they do everything on porpoise!

Which ghost sailed the seven seas

looking for rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.

How could the dolphin afford to buy a

house ?
He prawned everything !

When is a dog most impolite?
When he points.

When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what

should you do?
Take the words right out of his mouth.

Where do you usually find dogs?
It all depends
on where you lose them.

What would you call a nine day old dog in

Russia?
A puppy.

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's
office.
''Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?''
the lawyer
asked.
''Give me the bad news first.''
''Your wife found a picture
worth a half-million dollars.''
''That's the bad news?'' the man asked
incredulously.
''I can't wait to hear the terrible news.''
''It's
of you and your mistress.''

For their 25th wedding
anniversary, a man
decides to take his
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks
touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America.
While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and
says, ''This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our
25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for
our
50th anniversary!'' Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the

cheek, and said, ''I'm going to come back and get you''

Why were the
flies playing football in
saucer ?
They where playing for the cup !

How do fireflies start a race ?
Ready steady
glow !