Newest jokes

What is Pink and Red and sits in a corner? A baby with a razor blade.

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, ''Good morning son.'' ''Good morning pastor'' replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. ''Sir, what is this?'' Johnny asked.''Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service'', replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, ''Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?''

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who alwayscomes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on forsome time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I alwayspay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on acondom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,''Whatcha doin' Daddy?'' Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at thefloor. ''Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw.'' he says. Little Johnny asks, ''Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?''

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.He stops, turns around and shouts, ''Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!''

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out acigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.''There might be some matches in the top drawer,'' she replies.Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. ''Is this your husband?'' he inquires nervously.''No, silly,'' she replies, snuggling up to him.''Your boyfriend then?''''No, don't be daft,'' she says, nibbling away at his ear.''Well, who is he then?'' demands the bewildered bloke.Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ''That's me before the operation.''

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he
gets
stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

On his way out of
church, Frank stopped
at the door to speak to the
minister. ''Would it be right,'' he asked,
''for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?''

''Absolutely not!'' replied the pastor.
''In that case,'' said the young man, ''I
wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you
to marry my wife and me
last July.''

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me
in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, ''You're next.''
They stopped after I started
doing
the same thing to them at
funerals.

Why did the owl, owl ?
Because the woodpecker
would peck 'er !

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, ''I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!''Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.His dad smiled and asked...''So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?''Johnny replied, ''I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.''

What should you know before you teach your
dog
a new trick?
You should know more than your dog.

What was the dog doing on the turnpike?
About
seven miles an hour.

What should you do if you see a vicious
dog?
Hope he doesn't see you.

What is a baseball dog?
One that chases
fowls.

What is a dog who crosses the street twice in

an hour?
A double crosser.

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. ''The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,'' she said.''Oh good,'' he said, ''Now I can use it to buy some stereoequipment!''

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet,having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They getto ''W'', and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anythingdirty with a ''W'' so she calls on him.''Womb!'', Little Johnny says.''That's a good word, Johnny'', teacher says. ''Is that as in where babiescome from?'' she asks.''No'', says Johnny, ''That's the sound elephants make when they'rescrewing... you know, ''Womb! Womb! Womb!''

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumicestones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,more flavors than you could ever imagine.''Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,''announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identifythe taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacherhad them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every oneof the children was stumped.''I'll give you a hint,'' said the teacher. ''It's something yourDaddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.''Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouthand shouted, ''Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!''

A little boy walks up to his father and says, ''Dad, what does a pussy look like?'' Father responds, ''well son, before or after sex?'' Son, ''Well, before?'' Father, ''picture a tulip with all the petals son.'' Son, ''well what about after?'' Father, ''Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!''