Newest jokes

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. ''Every time we make love,'' she said, ''I get splinters!''So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.''Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need,'' was the carpenter's response.A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, ''How are you getting on with the girls now?''''Who needs girls?'' replied Pinnochio!

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.''My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.''The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, ''Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.''Next is little Lucy. ''Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.''The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies ''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.''Last is little Billy. ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands''Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.Billy replies, ''Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!''

Top Ten Signs You're Becoming a Teenager10) Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.9) ''Metal Mouth'' and ''Tinsel Teeth'' have replaced your real name.8) You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!7) Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.6) Even your zits have zits!5) It's not safe to say the word ''mall'' around you.4) Let's just say . . . sometimes you don't smell too good.3) You've gone from ''A''. . . to ''B'' . . . to ''C'' . . . cup!2) If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you're wearing than what you're going to say.1) If someone at your house is PMSing, it's not always your mom!

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, ''You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.''Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, ''How did you do over the weekend?''''Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.'' ''17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?''''I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.''''That's admirable,'' said the judge. ''And you, how did you do?'' (to the 2nd boy)''Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.'' ''156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!''''Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison.....

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ''And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?''Mr. Johnson replies, ''I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.''The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.The doctor tells her, ''Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...''Mrs. Johnson yells, ''Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!''

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, ''Aaaaaahhh!!!''

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.''Hell, ''says the man, ''You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!''

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.''Why yes, of course.'' said the owner, ''We have a very wide selection.''But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.''Well, maybe I have just what you need.'' remarked the owner, ''Wait here.''And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.''Wow, that pretty neat.'' said the man, ''But what's so special about it?''''This is the Voodoo dick.'' remarked the owner, ''Watch.'' Then the owner commanded, ''Voodoo dick, rise.''All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. ''Voodoo dick, door.''The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, ''Voodoo dick, box.''The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, ''My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?''''Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.''''Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it.'' demanded the man. ''No, not for sale.'' ''$500.'' ''No, I cannot.'' ''$700.'' ''I am sorry.'' ''$1000.'' ''Well, ok.''So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, ''When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest.'' explained the man.The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.''Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?'' asked the officer.''Well officer,'' answered the wife, ''I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.''To which the officer responded, ''Voodoo dick, my ass!''

I absolutley hate sex on the television.....I keep falling off!

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for ''going and going and going...'' passed away last evening at 12:42am.Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...Foul play has not been ruled out.

THE FACTS OF LIFEThe 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Is so dense, light bends around her. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.Other funnies...Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Your mama is like a pool table, 25 cents and she'll rack your balls.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.The bartender says, ''Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.''The customer replies, ''I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.''

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.''To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.''''Of course,'' she smiled.''I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.''The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!''What does SHE have that I don't?'' She screeched.He looked up at her and smiled.''Parkinsons,'' he replied.

A Cynics Guide to Life:The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the ''whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is'' group.Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask ''Now what'd you go and do THAT for?'' The Texan just drawled ''Where I come from, we got a lot of those.''Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out ''Where I come from, we've got a lot of those.''Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that. ''Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle's worth a nickel.''

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying ''Apples - $5.00 each.'' He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.He goes up to the farmer and says, ''Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?'' The farmer replies, ''They are peanut butter and jelly apples.'' The farmer hands him one and says, ''Here, try one.''So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, ''Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.''The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims ''son of a gun - jelly!'' The man says, ''These apples are great - give me some!''He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign ''Apples - $10 each.'' Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, ''Hey, what's up with these apples?''The farmer says, ''They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.''The guy takes a bit and exclaims, ''Son of a gun - ham!'' The guy then says, ''Let me guess - I have to turn it around.''The farmer says ''You got it.'' The guy bites the other side and says, ''Cheese.'' Again the man says, ''These apples are great - give me some.''Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says ''Apples - $50 each.'' The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, ''What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?''The farmer tells him that ''These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.''The guy takes a bite out of it and says, ''Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!''The farmer says, ''Turn it around!''

A man was praying to God. He said, ''God!?'' God responded, ''Yes?'' And the guy said, ''Can I ask a question?'' ''Go right ahead,'' God said.''God, what is a million years to you?'' God said, ''A million years to me is only a second.'' ''Hmmm,'' the man wondered. Then he asked, ''God, what is a million dollars worth to you?'' God said, ''A million dollars to me is as a penny.''So the man said, ''God, can I have a penny?'' And God cheerfully said, ''Sure!!.....just a second.''