Newest jokes

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. DIndeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, ''I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!''

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.The man thought, ''Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.''After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, ''Well son, do you have any questions?''''Just one Dad.'' gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -''How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?''

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex therapists A stream of urologists

Dilbert's ''Salary Theorem'' states that ''Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.''This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / TimeAnd since: Knowledge = Power And: Time = Money , It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / KnowledgeThus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

1. Cover your stump before you hump.2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick12. If you go into heat, package your meat.13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.18. The right selection! Protect your erection.19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.20. A crank with armor will never harm her.21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.25. No glove, No love.26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, ''let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.'' Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.''Help me find my ball, you look over there,'' he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces triumphantly.Sid looks at him forlornly, ''After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?''''What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!''''And a liar, too!!!'' Sid says with amazement. ''I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Yo momma id so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes!

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.''Don't leave me here to die alone here!'' the old man said, when the day finally came.''Now dad,'' said the son, ''we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.''So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. ''You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!''''Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out.''So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. ''Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!''''That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance.''Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, ''Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!''''But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?''''Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!''

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:''Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?''Father Patrick replied, ''I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal.''Muldoon said, ''I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?''Father Patrick: ''$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!''

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.''I say she's highly over-rated,'' said one ''Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?''My wife'' said the other with a heavy sigh!

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, ''Aren't they cute, what are their names?''The man giving the lady an angry look replied ''I don't know''.The lady asked again ''Which is a boy and which is a girl?''. The man looking angrier than before replied ''I don't know''.The woman then started to scold the man ''What kind of a father are you?''.The man replied ''I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.''

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.Then he had a bright idea.When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.''What the hell are you supposed to be?'' asked the host.''A premature ejaculation.'' said the man - ''I just came in my pants!''

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, ''Did you hear that Fluffy died?''. The guy stumbles around and says, ''Um.. er.. no.. what happened?''. The neighbor replies, ''We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!''

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.''Hey bartender'' said the Engineer, ''I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.''The bartender responded, ''I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here.''''Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up.''The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: ''I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?'' the Engineer responded: ''Oh...that's where we put the jack.''

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.''All this was just too wonderful for words,'' he said, ''but what's the dollar for?''''Well,'' she said, ''last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!''

A man is walking along the road, when he hears someone shouting ''Twelve! Twelve!'' over a fence.As he walks closer to the fence, they start shouting ''Thirteen! Thirteen!''Curious, the man looks through a gap in the fence. Suddenly he's poked in the eye by a man on the other side, and as he lies there, clutching his head, the man hears ''Fourteen! Fourteen!''

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.Staring at him in disbelief she asks, ''What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!''He says, ''Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means ''bite the wax tadpole'' or ''female horse stuffed with wax'' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ''ko-kou-ko-le,'' which can be loosely translated as ''happiness in the mouth.''In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ''Come alive with the Pepsi Generation'' came out as ''Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.''Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan ''finger-lickin' good'' came out as ''eat your fingers off.''The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, ''Salem - Feeling Free,'' got translated in the Japanese market into ''When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.''When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that ''no va'' means ''it won't go.'' After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for ''tiny male genitals''. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say ''It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'' However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word ''embarazar'' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that ''It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.''An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired ''I Saw the Pope'' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed ''I Saw the Potato.''Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, ''It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,'' got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained ''It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.''Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means ''big breasts.'' In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.and finally...In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, ''Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.''By the way, these are all true!

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, ''You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one.''The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. ''Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!''He looks at the genie and says, ''We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!'' The genie nods and says, ''You got it, boys!''And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, ''You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?''''''Whadaya talking about?'' the other fisherman answers. ''I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?''''I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!''

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:''Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.''Mother fainted.