Bird jokes 

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped
them, they'd break

David received a parrot for his birthday. This

parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and

quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto

David's extended arm and said: ''I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior.''

David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:

''May I ask what the
chicken did?''

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On

the day of the wedding he says to the parrot ''Now look here, I know

you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?'' The parrot reluctantly
agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
''Get on top and sit on it baby!'' Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. ''You
get on top baby it might be
better'' Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.

After a little thought the man says ''Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!'' The parrot turns round and says ''Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!''

Q: Why did the turkey cross
the road?
A: To
prove he wasn't chicken.

Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go
to get a drink!

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his
feathers are combed over to one side.

Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house
he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:
''Jesus is watching you!''

Silence returned to the house, so the
burglar crept forward again.

''Jesus is watching you,'' the voice
boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:
''Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?''

''Yes'', said the
parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: ''What's
your name?''

''Clarence,'' said the bird.


''That's a dumb name for a parrot,'' sneered the burglar. ''What idiot

named you Clarence?''

The parrot said, ''The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller
Jesus.''

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To
get to the chick across the street!

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?

A headbanger !

What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

Birds of prey !

What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !

What's brown and white and flies all
over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

What do you get if you
cross a nun and a
chicken?
A pecking order.

What do you call a very rude
bird ?
A
mockingbird !

When is the best time to buy budgies ?
When
they're going cheap !

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ?
Because
they're both full of stuffing !

How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land

safely ?
With it's sparrowchute !

What is green and pecks on trees ?
Woody Wood
Pickle !

Where do birds meet for coffee ?
In a
nest-cafe !

How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant
bird seed !