Beauty jokes 

I'm not ugly. I could
marry anyone I
pleased!
But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.

Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it
shuts
its eyes.

Fred: What's
that terribly ugly thing on
your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it?
Fred: Your head!

Mrs Saggy:
Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a
facelift last week.
Mrs Baggy: Tried to?
Mrs Saggy: Yes, they
couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her
face!

They say Margaret is a raving beauty.
You
mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

First witch: My beauty
is timeless.

Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the

assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.

''Nothing,'' replied the assistant.
''Nothing?'' she asked, ''but
how can I look like a film star?''
''Haven't you seen a film called
The Creature from the Black Lagoon?''
replied the assistant.

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror
admiring
my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?
Second girl:
No, it's imagination.

I've just come back from the beauty parlour.

Pity it was closed!

Where is everyone beautiful?
In the dark.

Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
No
one.

First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor
yesterday. I was
there for three hours.
Second Witch: Oh, what did
you have done?
First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an
estimate.

''My
boyfriend says I look like a dishy
Italian!''said Miss Conceited.
'Then he's right said her little
brother.'Sophia Loren?'
''No-spaghetti!'

Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry
the most
beautiful girl in the world.
Oh, what a shame! And
you've been engaged for such a long time!

People keep telling me I'm beautiful.
What
vivid imaginations some people have.

A monster went to the doctor with a branch

growing out of his head.
''Hmmm,'' said the doctor. ''I've no idea
what it is.''
The next week the branch was covered in leaves and
blossom.
''I'm stumped,'' said the doctor, ''but you can try taking these

pills.''
When the monster came back a month later the branch had
grown into a
tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small
pond, surrounded by
trees and bushes, all of them on top of his
head.
''Ah!'' said the doctor, ''I know what it is. You've got a beauty

spot.''

Did you hear
about the witch who did a four
year course in ugliness?
She finished it in two.

What is yellow and goes click-click?
A
ball-point banana.
Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?

Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:

A little boy came running into the kitchen.

'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really
ugly
face'
'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father
!