Marriage Jokes 

A guy gets home early from work and hears

strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?'
he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the
woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his
four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes
on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past

his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe
floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!'

It's
not true that married men live
longer than single men. It only seems
longer.

Four
married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:

First
Guy: ''Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint

every room in the house next weekend.''

Second Guy: ''That's
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for
the pool.''

Third Guy: ''Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her.''

They
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy

has not said a word. So they ask him. ''You haven't said anything about

what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's
the
deal?''

Fourth Guy: ''I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured
next Tuesday.''

A
married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.

The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body,
so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have
to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very
delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.


She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d
id for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''

''My
darling,'' he replied,'' think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it

is damned near impossible.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was
Always.

''Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a

divorce?'' the solicitor questioned his client.

''Tell me about it.
Do you have a grudge?''

''Oh, no,'' replied Mrs. O'Connor. ''Shure
now, we have a carport.''

The solicitor tried again. ''Well, does
the man beat you up?''

''No, no,'' said Mrs. O'Connor, looking
puzzled. ''Oi'm always first
out of bed.''

Still hopeful, the
solicitor tried once again.

''What I'm trying to find out are
what grounds you have.''

''Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not
even a window box, let alone
grounds.''

''Mrs. O'Connor,''
the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
''you need a reason
that the court can consider.

''What is the reason for you seeking
this divorce?''

''Ah, well now,'' said the lady,

''Shure
it's because the man can't hold an intelligent
conversation.''

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple,

went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They

overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy

realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting
to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her
husband and
whispered, ''Whistle and let that young couple know that
someone can
hear them.''

Murphy said, ''Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody
whistled to warn
me.''

''And how's yer wife, Pat?''

''Sure,
she do be awful sick.''

''Is ut dangerous she is?''

''No,
she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!''

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a
successful New York
contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten
Island Ferry when a car got
loose and sent him into the river where
he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in
deepest black, was
standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving
condolences and
enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of
the contractor came up.

''I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble,''
offered the friend. ''Did Mike
leave you well fixed?''

''Oh, he
did!'' she said. ''He left me almost a half million dollars.''


''Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.''


''Nor swim either,'' added the widow.

A man is incomplete until he is married.

After that, he's finished.

At a friend's wedding, everything went
smoothly
until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to
come down the
aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling
at the guests. When asked
afterward why he behaved so badly, he
explained, ''I was just trying to be a
good ring bear.''

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one
day about Mr. Riley and his
constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, ''I
have an idea about how to stop
him from spending so much time at the
pub. Every night he comes home
through the cemetery. One night you
should get disguised and spook him
when he comes staggering
through.''

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she
heard her
husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said,
''Who are you??''

Mrs. Riley replied, ''I am the devil!''

With
that, Riley shook her hand and said, ''Glad to meet ya, I'm
married
to your sister.''

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't
get along. One day she
said to him, ''If it wasn't for my money,
that new television wouldn't
be here. If it wasn't for my money,
that grand piano wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, this
house wouldn't be here.''

Casey mumbled, ''If it wasn't for
your money, I wouldn't be
here.''

In West Kerry, the wife commented, ''When we
were first married,
you took the small piece of steak and gave me
the larger. You don't
love me any more....''

''Nonsense,
darling,'' replied the husband, ''you cook better
now.''

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not

without a few ''squalls'' received a humble lecture from their priest

regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

''Why, that dog and
cat you have agree better than you.''

''If yer reverence'll tie
them together, ye'll soon change yer
mind.''

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom

and says, ''Mommy, why does the girl wear white?''

His mom
replies, ''The bride is in white because she's happy and this
is the
happiest day of her life.''

The boy thinks about this, and then
says, ''Well then, why is the boy
wearing black?''

It's for my mother-in-law,'' explained the
mourner at
the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured
down at the
dog and said, ''My Doberman here killed
her.''

''Gee...That's terrible,'' commiserated the spectator. ''But...
Hmmmm...
Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?''

The
bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and

answered, ''Get in line.''

Once there was a millionaire, who collected
live
alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The
millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day
he decides
to throw a huge party, and during the party he
announces, ''My dear
guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I
will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full
of alligators and emerge alive!''

As
soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large

splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and

screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as

though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the
other side
with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The
millionaire was
impressed.

He said, ''My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it
could be done! Well I must keep
my end of the bargain. Do you want my
daughter or the one million
dollars?''

The guy says, ''Listen, I don't want your money, nor
do I want your
daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that
water!''

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided
to his
wife, ''I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated
on you
throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told
you I was
working late, I was with other women. And not just one
woman either, but
I've slept with dozens of them.''

His wife
looked at him calmly and said, ''Why do you think I gave you
the
poison?''