Sports 

Q. Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?A. She got her finger caught in a dike!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.''I've been stung by a wasp'' She says.'' Where did it get you?'' He replies''Between the 1st and 2nd hole''''I think your stance must be a little too wide''

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV (basketball players only) Time Limit: 3 weeks *1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, ''Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?'' The man said ''no''. Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, ''This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!'' The man replied, ''Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'' ''That's really sad,'' says Bob, ''but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?'' ''No,'' the man replied, ''they're all at the funeral.''

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?They're only good for one period and have no second string.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hoursto spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he wasabout to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked ifhe could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not beingable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, ''You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.''With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originallylay. The old man offered one more comment, ''Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.''

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, ''I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?'' So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, ''I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.'' And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, ''Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator.'' The man said ''Thank you'' and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, ''I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question.'' ''Go ahead'', replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, ''I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?'' Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, ''Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl !!''

A Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: ''I am placed in the door and told when to jump'' ''My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go'' ''But how do you know when you are going to land?'' he was asked. ''I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground'' he answered. ''But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?'' he was again asked. He quickly answered ''Oh, the dog's leash goes slack''.

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?Don King.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?Never mind it's pointless.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recenttournament victories. After about an hour,the managercame out of the office and asked them to disperse.''But why?'', they asked, as they moved off.''Because,'' he said, ''I can't stand chess nuts boastingin an open foyer.''

What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.''Sorry, old man,'' Peter said, ''But I can't let you in. You seethe big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin backin 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game.'' ''Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorryPeter, but I can explain...'', the old golfer blithered. ''Well,'' said Peter, ''You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy.'' So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God'soffice. ''We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain...'' ''So,'' booms God, ''You've been taking my name in vain.'' ''Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!'' ''OK. Try me, '' replied the Lord. ''Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I couldjust make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and itwas sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and tookmy ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree...'' ''And that's when you took my name in vain?'' ''Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ballclear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifullytoward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped intoa sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole...'' ''So, that is when you took my name in vain?'' ''No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drovethat ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inchesof the hole...'' ''Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!''

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?Having arms and legs.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and ''splash'' they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: ''Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!''

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.''You can't keep him from playing!'' the coach roared. ''We won't win this weekend without him!''''I don't care,'' the dean said. ''Things have gotten out of hand at this college.''''What do you mean, out of hand?'' the coach demanded.''I'll show you what I mean,'' the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, ''Tell me,how much is six times seven?''The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, ''Thirty- one?''The dean turned to the coach and said, ''I rest my case.''''Oh, come on now,'' the coach said. ''Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one.''

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the followingconversation took place:First Guy: ''You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outgolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.''Second Guy: ''That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will buildher a new deck for the pool.''Third Guy: ''Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that Iwill remodel the kitchen for her.''They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy hasnot said a word. So they ask him, '' You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?''Fourth Guy: ''I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, ''Wear your sweater.''

Why is ''red'' the colour of the University of Georgia?Because they can't spell ''crimson'' or ''scarlet''.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yardsright down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler andthe ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight athim. It hit him in the temple and killed him.He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked atthe big book and said, ''I see you were a golfer, isthat correct?''''Yes, I am,'' he replied.St Peter then said, ''Do you hit the ball a long way?''The golfer replied,''You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?''