Situations 

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, ''In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?'' She smiled slyly and replied, ''The Druggist, silly.''

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a ''man's world'' there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said ''May I have one of those ?'' The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, ''What... one of those bastards ?'' Without a pause, she said, ''Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too.''

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying ''Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions.'' Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, ''I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'' ''About 35,'' was the reply. ''I'm actually 47,'' the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, ''Oh you look about 29''. ''I am actually 47!'' This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, ''I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.'' As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, ''OK, it's done. You are 47.'' Stunned the man says, ''That was brilliant! How did you do that?'' The old lady replies, ''I was in line behind you at McDonalds.''

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a ''good time.''''Look,'' says the woman, ''what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!''''OK,'' replies Joe, ''so how many does it take?''

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and wasstarting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered,'' You know, I've got and itchy pussy....'' The boy replied, ''Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!''

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europefor three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught asupply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught atrain to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not finda seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the trainlooking for any place to sit down.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there wasroom for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.''Could I please sit in that seat?'' he asked.The lady was insulted. ''You bloody Americans are so rude'', she said,''can't you see my dog is sitting there''?He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.He found himself back at the same place.''Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to holdyour dog if I can sit down'', he said.The lady replied, ''You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant''.He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finallysaid,''Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months withnot a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold yourdog?''The lady replied, ''You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, youare also obnoxious.''With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady was speechless.An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seatspoke up. ''Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit thelady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lotof things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold yourfork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch outof the window.''

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the BigBad Wolf crouched down behind a log. ''My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf'', says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little RedRiding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. ''My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf'', says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down thetrack Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this timecrouched behind a road sign. ''My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf'', taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... ''Will you fuck off,I'm trying to take a shit !''

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. ''This is a brothel'' replied the madam.''Well, what's all this out on the lawn?'' queried the man.''Oh, we're having a yard sale today.''

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, ''I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.'' That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, ''I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to gointo the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.'' The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.Then the girl says, ''I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?''So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, ''I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.'' Her husband says, ''You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.''

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golferand she wins their little competition on the last hole.He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. ''In fact,'' she says, ''I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.'' He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.''You see,'' she tearfully sobs, ''I'm a transvestite.''He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. ''I'm sorry,'' she repeats.''You bastard,'' he screams, red in the face, ''You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!''

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks agoand has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, ''Push up bottom to use.''

''Mom, I'm pregnant.''''How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?''''That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.''

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy dueto motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find itlocked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried tofight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the rightand threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was thereforeunaware of what had happened.When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, ''There now, are you feeling better?''!

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, ''I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.'' The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.The cowboy said, ''Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.'' She replied, ''I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, ''Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.'' She said, ''You tell him. He is the one shaving you.''

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. ''I have just the thing,'' says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ''Just place this between your cheek and gum.''The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.''And what if I swallow it?''''No problem,'' says the barber. ''Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.''

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to ''take the pleasures'' of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. ''Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby.'' The Mother Superior says, ''That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies.''

The Young Man's Big Mouth A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. ''Well,'' he said, ''I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ''the'' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.'' The young man makes his purchaseand leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, ''You never told me that you were such a religious person.'' He leans over to her and says, ''You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.''

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, ''I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.''The guy on the left says, ''I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.''''The guy in the middle says, ''I had a dream that I went skiing.''

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: ''You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!''