Animal Jokes 

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. ''Shit!'' says the ant. ''One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!''

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ''Rover'' or ''Spot''. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ''I would like to have one too!'' Then I said, ''But she is a dog!'' He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, ''You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.'' He replied, ''You must have been quite a strong boy.'' When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ''But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.'' He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ''You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.'' The clerk said, ''Me too!'' One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ''You don't understand,'' I said, ''I hoped to have Sex on TV.'' He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ''Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.'' The Judge said, ''Me too!'' Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ''I'm looking for Sex.'' -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ''What seems to be the trouble?'' I replied, ''Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.'' and the doctor said, ''Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.''

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.''OK, follow me'' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. ''Now, do you see that tree over there?'' he asked. ''Yes, Yes, Yes!'' the bats all screamed in a frenzy. ''Good'' said the bat, ''Because I sure as hell didn't!''

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says ''I will grant each of you three wishes.''The bear says ''I wish all the bears in the forest were females.'' *poof* It's done.The rabbit says ''I wish for a motorcycle.'' *poof* It's done.The bear says ''I wish all the bears in this country were females.'' *poof* It's done.The rabbit says ''I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house.'' *poof* It's done.The bear is thinking to himself ''why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well.'' ''And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female.'' *poof* It's done.The rabbit says ''For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay.'' And he rides off on his motorcycle.

This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, ''What are you doing?!!'' The blind man replies, ''Just looking around.''

Q: Does an elephant ever forget?A: Only if you loan him money.

Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones?A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.

Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic?A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, ''Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?''

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, ''Got any grapes?'' The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, ''Got any grapes?'' Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: 'Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, 'Got any nails?' Confused, the bartenders says no. 'Good!' says the duck. 'Got any grapes?'

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert. She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.The woman stops and says, ''Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?''The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try. The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.The captain drops his pants and says, ''Great! Do me next, I've got to catch that son of a bitch!''

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ''You can't bring that dog in here!'' The guy, without missing a beat, says ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' ''Oh man, '' the bartender says, ''I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me.'' The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ''You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog.'' The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says ''Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!''The second man replies ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' The bartender says, ''No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.'' The man pauses for a half-second and replies ''What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?''

Why did the raccoon cross the road? He didn't, he got hit by a car.

A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.Having watched what happened, a passerby said, ''Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!''''I know,'' said the blind man, ''but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.''

What do u get if u cross bambi wit a ghost?BAMBOOWhat is a duck's favourite TV show?THE FEATHER FORECASTGET IT? hahaha

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, ''Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!'' The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, ''Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!'' The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.Finally giving up, he said, ''The only thing I can smell is molasses.''

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, ''The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?''The corporal replies, ''On Fridays, they let us use the camels.''The lieutentent is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.The next friday, the young lieutentent slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.The same corporal comes in to investigate. ''Lieutenent! What are you doing.''''Come on man,'' replied the embarrased officer, ''You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays.''''Yes sir,'' replied the corporal. ''But most of us just ride them into town.''