Men 

Are YOU A HARD MAN?1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers ''I love you''. Do you?a) Whisper back ''I love you too''.b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.c) Say ''Go to sleep dog breath''.3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.4/. If you break wind during the night do you?a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)Blame her and give her a boot.5/. If she breaks wind do you?a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.b) Clout the bitch.c) Say ''you dirty bitch'' and shove her out in the back yard.6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in andstick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol andset fire to the cunts.7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap andshe's in the bath. Do you?a) Go next door and use theirs.b) Yell ''Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of theshell''. c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlingstaking off.8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?a) Wait until next week.b) Wank.c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on theRibena ad.9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then getpissed.10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.15 - 29. You must try harder.30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.

In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from theregulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them ''whip 'emout''.Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guywalks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get forhim.The gay guy replies ''i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffettfirst''

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She wasdirectionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

IDEAL DATEAt 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 ''Split the check before we go back to my place'' 35 ''Just come over.'' 48 ''Just come over and cook.'' 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox

Age Line17 My parents are away for the weekend.25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.48 My wife is away for the weekend.66 My second wife is dead.

What kind of clothes are there?women: clean & dirtyMen: Clean,almost clean,sorta clean,not bad,dirty,really dirty,nasty ,biohazzard.(Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification ofthese clothes).

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?At the circus the clowns don't talk...

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, andclitorises?They miss them all.

Two buddies get together and decide togo to a whorehouse, one of them tired ofdoing it with his wife all the time, theother not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up andcomes down and says '' My wife is muchbetter''. ''Allright'' goes the other guy,'' Let me go try the same woman.''Well he goes and screws the whore,comes than says to his buddy, '' You areright man, Your wife is much better.''

Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises ?He had a pair of underpants that fitted him like a glove.....

You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant. Guess what? His penis rejected it!

How do you get a man to do situps?Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students humanreproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: ''Female humans are bornwith a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, producemillions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?'' Oneyoung woman's answer: ''Because they won't ask for directions either.''

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?breasts don't have eyes

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses aninflatable sex doll?Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As thebartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the otherone on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does thesame thing. The third time the bartender asks him what'sgoing on. ''Why are you pouring that drink on your hand''? Theman smiles at him, winks and says ''I'm trying to get my datedrunk.''

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish and he will sitin a boat and drink beer all day.

Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?Yeah, I finally let her out!