Newest jokes

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.''What's this, ''she asked.''Taste it,'' he replied, ''If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!''

Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.One physician says, ''Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!''The other doctor replied, ''Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!''

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.The doctor replied, ''No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!''

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, ''I need my sex drive lowered.''The doctor, incredulous, says, ''What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??''To which the old man replies, ''It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!''

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of30.He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. ''Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit,'' he says to the doctor.''Okay,'' says the medic, ''let me see your sex organs.''So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.The doctor exclaimed, ''This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!.''The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied... ''Neither did I when I was a doctor!''

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers!

I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.''Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test,'' the doctor said.The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, ''Are you alright?''''No'' the old man said. ''This just isn't going to work.'' he dejectedly explained. ''There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!''

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.However, the doctor suggested, ''If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.''The old man agreed.The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.The old man says, ''Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.'' ''That's good news,'' said the doctor. ''I knew the boarder would help.''''Oh,'' said the old man with a wicked grin, ''and the boarder's pregnant as well.''

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, ''Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!''The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.She says: ''Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!''He replies, ''Yes, Ii already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!''

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.The horrified nurse said, ''Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?''The lady replied,''My phone doesn't have an eleven!''

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. Your T-shirt says, ''Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend.'' You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named ''Joe''. You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from ''Sweet & Low.'' You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. ''How are you?'', you say, ''Good to the last drop.'' You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You're offended when people use the word ''brew'' to mean beer. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a ''drip'' is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail.

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, ''Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.''Doctor replied, ''Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.''The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.His friend said, ''Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?''So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, ''Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue.''Doc asks to take a look. ''Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.''''FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?'' Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.''''Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!''

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. ''Prostrate trouble,'' said the first doctor.''Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one'', said the other.They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. ''Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors,'' said one, ''and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?''''Well'', said the man, ''all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.''

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.''Doctor,'' she asks nervously, ''can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?''''Certainly,'' replies the doctor, ''Where do you think lawyers come from!''

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''The doctor reassured her. ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''''On my balls!''

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. ''You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr.Ivanov has passed away?''''Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.''