Newest jokes

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. ''Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you.'' he says. ''I'm sorry but I've given my body to God.'' she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says ''I know a way you can get her in the sack.'' The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says ''Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.'' She replies ''Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.'' The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, ''Surprise I'm the guy on the bus.'' With that the nun turns around and says, ''Surprise I'm the bus driver.''

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation. The pickle said to the cucumber, ''I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar.''The cucumber said to the pickle, ''Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad.''The penis walks by and overhears them and says, ''I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up.''

A couple of hunters from Prague are out
hunting, and an emormous
bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of
the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive,
trapped in the belly of the
grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to
town and organizes a rescue party which
heads back to the woods
armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on
the horizon and everybody starts shooting
at the bear that's
closest to them.

''No, not that one,'' shouts the surviving hunter,
''That's the
female.''

''The Czech is in the male.''

A young reporter went to a retirement home to

interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the
old man to
tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.


The old explorer said, ''Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the

jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native
gunbearer was
behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the
path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only
to find the native
had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a
mighty ROARRRR! I soiled
myself.''

The reporter said, ''Under
those circumstances anyone would have done
the same.''

The old
explorer said, ''No, not then - just now when I went
'ROARRRR!'''

What does the lion say to his
friends
before they go out hunting for food ?
'Let us prey.'

Two hunters went moose
hunting every
winter without success. Finally, they came up with a
fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating
call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure
the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull. They set
themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume, and
began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was
answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the
clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
''Okay, lets get
out and get him.''

After a moment that seemed
like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, ''The zipper is
stuck! What are we going to do!?''

The guy in the front says, ''Well,
I don't know how about you but I'm
going to start nibbling
grass.''

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.

They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching
something.

The first redneck says to the other, ''If you get lost, fire
three
shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and
find you.''

After about three hours, the second redneck finds he
is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the
first man told him. He
then waits an hour and does it again. He
repeats this until he is out
of ammo.

The next morning, the
first redneck finds the second with the help of
forest rangers. He
asks the second redneck man if he did what he told
him to
do.

The redneck answers, ''Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour

on the hour until I ran out of arrows.''

|Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, ''It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo.''

Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?A: When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf?A: It's still your turn!

Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.Oxymoron: an easy par three.A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.

Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, ''What did I do wrong?''The pro replied, ''Loft.''The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.The pro again answered, ''Loft.''The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, ''What did I do wrong?''Again, ''Loft.''As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.''All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?''The pro shook his head and said, ''Lack of Friggin' Talent!''

''Did you get
your money?'' ask the wife of
the dentist who had just return from the
delinquent patient's
home.
''Not a cent,'' growled the dentist, ''and worse than that, he
insulted
me, and gnashed my teeth at me!''

A man went to his dentist because he feels

something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says,
''that new upper plate I put in for
you six months ago is eroding.
What have you been eating?''
The man replies, ''all I can think of is
that about four months ago my
wife made some asparagus and put some
stuff on it that was delicious
... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so
much I now put it on everything ---
meat, toast, fish, vegetables,
everything.''
''Well,'' says the dentist, ''that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise
sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly
corrosive.
It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new
plate, and this
time use chrome.''
''Why chrome?'' asks the
patient. To which the dentist replies, ''It's
simple. Everyone knows that
... there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise!''

|Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, ''We don't serve your kind in here.'' One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, ''Why not? We're cultured individuals.''

|A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ''Why of course,'' comes the reply.The first man then asks: ''Where are you from?''''I'm from Ireland,'' replies the second man.The first man responds: ''You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.''''Of course,'' replies the second man.I'm curious, the first man then asks: ''Where in Ireland are you from?''''Dublin,'' comes the reply.''I can't believe it,'' says the first man. ''I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.''''Of course,'' replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: ''What school did you go to?''''Saint Mary's,'' replies the second man, ''I graduated in '62.''''This is unbelievable!'', the first man says. ''I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!''About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. ''What's been going on?'' he asks the bartender.''Nothing much,'' replies the bartender. ''The O'Kinly twins are drunk again.''

|A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.''Sorry I can't serve you,'' states the barman.''Why not?!'' asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.''You're under 18,'' replies the barman.

|I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me

|A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him ''every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?'' The man replies, ''I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.''

A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant,''Do you have pigs ears?''The counter assistant replies,''No, its just the way my hair is parted!''