Newest jokes

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the
ghost office.

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang
club.

Why didn't anyone take the school bus to
school?
I wouldn't fit through the door.

Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a

bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.

Sign at restaurant reads:
Eat here diet
home

An American tourist was lunching in a
restaurant
in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained
each dish as
he brought it to the table. ''This is the breast of the
duck; this the
leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc.''
Then came the
dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited
for the explanation.
Silence. ''Well?'' he finally asked, ''What's
this?'' The waiter
replied, ''It's a friend of duck.''

Q:What did one plate say to the other
plate?
A:('Lunch is on me!')

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner

one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken

almondine and fresh fish.
''The chicken sounds good; I'll have
that,'' the woman says.
The waiter nods. ''And the vegetable?'' he
asks.
''Oh, he'll have the fish,'' she replies.

What did Santa
Claus's wife say during a
thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'

How do sheep keep warm in winter
?

Central bleating !

Why did your sister cut a hole in her
new
umbrella ?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped
raining.

'You
never get anything right,'
complained the teacher. 'What kind of job
do you think you'll get when you
leave school ?'
'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'

You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park

near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across

(separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and
Sir Edmund
Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube
stop. Whom
don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no
such thing as a
completely sunny day in England.

There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, ''I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize.''Sent by Alvin

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders senta message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give himits hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture towait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.''What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?'' asked the chief.''Forget the damn lion!'' he howled. ''Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?''

Two English sheep in a field.One says to the other ''I'm not feeling very well''The other turns around and replies''Shut-the-f*ck-up, or you'll get us all killed''Sent by paully

Where do Easter bunnies
dance?
At the
basketball.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because
the chicken had his Easter eggs!

How many chocolate bunnies can
you put into
an empty Easter basket?
One. After that the basket won't be
empty.

Q: How many editors does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!