Newest jokes

A man wrote a letter to a small

hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He
wrote:''I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is

well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep

him in my room with me at night?''

An immediate reply came
from the hotel owner, who said, ''I've been
operating this hotel for
many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch
for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too.''

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?Professional courtesy.

Why was the
snowman's dog called Frost?
Because Frost bites.

What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced

lolly.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports carand was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through herpurse and was getting progressively more agitated.''What does it look like?'' she finally asked.The policewoman replied, ''It's square and it has your picture on it.''The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. ''Here it is,'' she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,''Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.''

|A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. 'No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. 'Here,' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. 'I found them in the hallway.' 'Now,' she said, 'if only I could find my parakeet.'

|A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 'All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, 'It's no good, I'll have to do it,' and yells, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 'Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?' The trainer replies, 'Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!'

|How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark... Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again? Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

TWO MEN SITTING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER IN A BAR.THE 1ST MAN IS AN AVERAGE SIZE GUY WEIGHINGABOUT 170 LBS.THE 2ND MAN IS A HUGE FAT GUY WEIGHING ABOUT375 LBS.THE 2ND GUY ASKS THE 1ST GUY. ''WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, DO YOU ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM?''THE 1ST GUY REPLIES, ''IT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN,HOW ABOUT YOU?''THE 2ND GUY REPLIES, ''I ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM, NOMATTER WHO I'M WITH.''OF COURSE YOU CAN'T HELP BUT TO HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU ''MASH IT FLAT''.

Look in the mirror!!!!!!!1

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, ''I'll take it,'' and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, ''Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?''

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, ''Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?''The woman replies, ''I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.''The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, ''I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?''The woman looks at him and says, ''Pepper.''

Finally, something other than smiley faces....Perfect breasts(o)(o)Fake silicone breasts( + )( + )Perky breasts(*)(*)Big nipple breasts(@)(@)A cupso oD cups{ O }{ O }Wonder bra breasts(oYo)Cold breasts( ^ )( ^ )Lopsided breasts(o)(O)Pierced Breasts(Q)(O)Hanging Tassels Breasts(p)(p)Against The Shower Door Breasts( )( )Android Breasts| o | | o |Martha Stewart's Breasts($)($)OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy...

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, ''I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.''His buddy said, ''I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled.''So that's what Joe did.The next day at the bar, his buddy said, ''Well, did you take my suggestion?''''Yes, I did,'' said Joe.''Did she like it?'' His buddy asked.''Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, ''I'll be back in an hour!!''

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son said, ''All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.''The horrified mother went in and told her son, ''We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.''Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ''All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.''She hears the little boy continue, ''For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.''As the mother began to smile, the child added, ''For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.''

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.''Well,'' he said, ''I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ''the night''.''We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.''The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.The girl leans over and says, ''You never told me that you were such a religious person.''He leans over to her and says, ''You never told me that your father was a pharmacist.''

Man walks into the Doctors office. ''I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die'' Says the Doctor. The Man asks ''How long do I have to live?'' ''Ten'', replies the Doctor. ''What the hell does that mean'', the Man asks. ''Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?'' The Doctor Replies ''Nine''

Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?

What two letters do you say when you
answer
the phone?
LO

What letters are not in the alphabet?
The
ones in the mail, of course!