Newest jokes

Why can't
anyone stay angry long
with an actress?
Because she always makes up.

What kind of star wears sunglasses?
A
movie star.

What is an Actor? A man who tries to be
everything but
himself

How are men like UFOs?You don't know where they come from, what their mission is,or what time they're going to take off.

If men had PMS, what would happen?a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.d) All of the above.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?A mental hospital.

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

''Three Men And A Baby''........What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing.

What's the difference between women and men?One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on.Horrified, she let out a shriek.Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. ''Don't let it bother you,miss,'' he moaned. ''I'll never live to tell anyone.''

Q. How many line
dance instructors does it
take to change a light bulb?
A. Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!

Q. What's the difference between a
line
dance instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while
he hurts you.

What do cars do at the disco?
Brake dance.

What do cows like to line dance to ?
Any kind
of moosic you like !

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Trailer Trash Barbie ...complete with double wide trailer home

There
is a new Barbie doll on the
market - House Wife Barbie ...dressed in
ratty, old housecoat; comes
with dirty laundry and sink full of
dishes

During my stay at an expensive hotel
in New York
City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an
upset stomach. I
called room service and ordered some soda crackers.
When I looked at the
charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, ''I know
I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six
crackers is ridiculous!''
''The crackers are complimentary,'' the voice
to the other end cooly
explained. ''I believe you are complaining
about your room number.''

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist

is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, ''Hans

Olaffsen's Laundry.''

''Hans Olaffsen?'', he muses. ''How in
hell does that fit in here?'' So
he walks into the shop and sees an
old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.

The tourist asks,
''How did this place get a name like 'Hans
Olaffsen's Laundry?'''
The old man answers, ''Is name of owner.''

The tourist asks,
''Well, who and where is the owner?'' ''Me...is right
here,'' replies the
old man.

''You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?''


''Is simple,'' says the old man. ''Many, many year ago when come to

this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front was
big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your
name?' He
say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh
at your name?'''

''I say Sem Ting.''

A
fellow stopped at a rural gas
station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a
soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a
couple of men working along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole
two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along
behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new
hole, the
other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men
worked
right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road.
''I can't stand this,'' said the man tossing the can in a trash

container and heading down the road toward the men.

''Hold it, hold
it,'' he said to the men. ''Can you tell me what's
going on here
with this digging?''

''Well, we work for the county government, ''
one of the men said.

''But one of you is digging a hole and the
other is filling it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Are
n't you wasting the county's
money?''

''You don't
understand, mister,'' one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping
his brow. ''Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney
and Mike. I
dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts
the dirt
back.''

''Yea,'' piped up Mike. ''Now just because Rodney's sick,
that don't
mean we can't work, does it?''

A man was driving along
the
highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He

swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit

jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man
as
well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and
got
out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,
the rabbit
was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to
cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of
the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what
was wrong.

''I feel terrible,'' he explained. ''I
accidently hit this rabbit and
killed it.''

The woman told the man
not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously,
the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two

humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned

around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet,

turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished.
He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's
spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, '' What was in your
spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?'' The woman turned
the can around so
that the man could read the label. It
said:

'''Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.''