Newest jokes

Why was the racehorse names Strawberry

Ice?
He was a sherbet!

Why was the horse all charged up?
It ate some
haywire!

Why was the horseman fired from his job of

saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!

Why was the man sued by his
horse?
For
palomino-money!

Have
you seen stieve wonders house? -niether
did he

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each

other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit
and
said, ''You're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be
a
rabbit.''

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and
said, ''You're slimy,
beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a
math teacher.''

Where do blind sparrows go for treatment ?

The Birds Eye counter !

Q:
How did a blind woman pierce her
ear?

A: Answering the stapler.

Did you hear about the blind porcupine?
He
fell in love with a pincushion!

Q: What goes VROOM,

SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a
flashing red light.

What's the difference

between Windows 95 and a virus?
A virus does something.

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

A firefighter died and went to hell where
he finds
a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a
wall, with his friends names under
them, he asked the devil, what the
clocks mean?
''That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on
earth, their
clock speeds up one hour.'' says the devil.
''I
don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?'' the fireman says.
The devil
replied, ''Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're
using it for a
fan.''

The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town

had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his
friends and
family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped
because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard
from the
grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, ''Don't

worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out.''

Q. A fireman had
two sons. What did he
name them?
A. Hosea and Hoseb

There are three ways a
man wears his
hair - parted- unparted or departed

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. ''Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,'' he starts writing in his notebook. ''But I'm not a Giants fan,'' the little hero replied.''Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.'' said the reporter and starts again. ''Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack'' he continued writing in his notebook. ''I'm not a Jets fan either,'' the boy said. ''I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?'' the reporter asked. ''I'm a Cowboys fan,'' the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, ''Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.''

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?$ Michael Jordan having ''retired,'' with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.Amazing isn't it? However...$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. ''Is anyone interested in a little wager?'' he said, flashing some large bills around. ''I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!'' Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, ''I gotta see this!'' he said. ''You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.'' When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. ''That's incredible!'' he exclaimed. ''How did you train him to hit the ball like that!'' There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money.'' As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, ''Oh, by the way, how does he putt?'' The trainer responded, ''Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.''

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies

toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !