Newest jokes

|Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.''You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay,'' said the officer.''All right, sir,'' said the bright soldier, ''I'll take the money.''

|A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 * 1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo. 2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide. 3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart. 4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member. 5) Marines don't wear dungarees. 6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect. 7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!' 8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat. 9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,' and ``USMC.' 10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima 11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying. 12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues. 13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore. 14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs. 15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar. 16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House. 19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up. 20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES. 21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors! 22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill! 23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea) 24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat. 25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot. 26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.'

|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so denseThat nothing that flew could slip through our defense.When out of the klaxon arose such a clatterI dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.''Alert status red!'' went the word down the wire,As we gave every system the codes that meant ''FIRE!''On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.So we sent out some recon to look for debris,Yet all that they found, both on land and on seaWere some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.There are unhappy kids in each village and town.For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evadeAll the web of defenses we've carefully made.But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

|As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: ''What's that stuff on those hills?''''Just snow,'' replied the stewardess. ''That's what I thought,'' said the lady, ''but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.''

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of serviceby sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying onthe bed. She says, ''Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that thepresident of the board arranged for you.''The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theTemple Board and says, ''Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's yourrespect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this.''The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her andsays, ''Where are you going? I'm not angry with you.''

A son is
calling his mom from college, and
telling her that he had just got his
degree. The mother says:
That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the
son, almost squealing
with excitement says: The best one ever, a
Celsius degree!

College meals
are generally unpopular with
those who have to eat them and sometimes
with good reason. ''What
kind of pie do you call this?'' asked one
student
indignantly.
''What's it taste like?'' asked the cook.''
''Glue!''
''Then it's apple
pie the plum pie tastes like soap.''

''Now my motto in
life,'' said the school
chaplain, ''is work hard, play hard and pray
hard. How about you,
Harriet?''
''My motto is let bygones be bygones.''
''That's good. Why
did you choose that?''
''Then I wouldn't have to take any history
classes!''

A college friend was going to meet a young
lady he new.
''An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, ''More like
an unlit match.''

|There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.Four and eight makes 12.There are 12 inches in a ruler.Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.Ships sail in the sea.The sea has fish.Fish have fins.The Finns are always fighting the Russians.Russians are known as ''red''.Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

|Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.Judge: What were you doing?1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.Judge: And what were you doing?2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.''Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

Why don't oysters give to charity?Because they're shellfish.

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?Diarrhoea!

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,so she took them to the taxodermist.''So you want them mounted?'' asked the taxidermist.To which she replied: ''No. Holding hands will do just fine.''

|Man says to God: ''Why did you make woman so beautiful?''God says: ''So you would love her.'' Man says to God: ''But God, Why did you make her so dumb?''God says:''So she would love you.'' Source MissJoke.com

Why did the mirror cross the road?To see itself!!

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says ''Hey little girl. What are you doing?'' The little girl says ''I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!'' The fireman walks over to take a closer look. ''Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!'' the fireman says. ''Thanks mister'' says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. ''Little girl'', says the fireman, ''I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.'' The little girl says, ''You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC'S first so he started saying them'' A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z and the teacher said that's great but where's the P at he said it's running down my leg!

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, ''You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .''

After my wife and her former best buddy,

another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted
one
husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means

of communication. When our phone
bills showed astronomical
increases, the other spouse and I sought
relief. Since we both owned
computers, we
encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they
call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent,
then
call back to confirm that it
arrived and have a conversation about
the contents!