Newest jokes

|There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... ''Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!'' and then listened very closely until he heard the answer...''Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!'' He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. ''No'', said the other Indian. ''It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, ''Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!'', and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, ''Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!'' When he heard the return, ''Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!'', off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, ''Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!'' Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered, ''Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!'' He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, ''WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

|The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, ''Who owns the big white horse outside?'' The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, ''I do. Why?'' The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, ''I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!'' The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, ''Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.'' Tonto said, ''Sure Kemosabe'', and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, ''Who owns that big white horse outside?'' The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, ''I do. What is wrong with him this time?'' The cowboy says to him, ''Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!''

|Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. ''I know that smart aleck Tex,'' said the first. ''He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.'' ''Not Tex,'' the second cowboy replied. ''He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.'' ''I know Tex better than either of you,'' said the third. ''He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.'' Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, ''Audi, partners!''

|Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, ''Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'' ''Why do you want me to throw them at you?'' ''Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.'' ''Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.'' ''But why?'' ''Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?He was looking for Pooh!

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, ''A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.''One student stands up and says, ''Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit.''

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out.''If I gave you $20,'' the teacher began,'' and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?''''An orgy,'' Johnny answered.

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre-med student rudely interrupted to ask ''Why do we have to learn thisstuff?''''To save lives.'' the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. ''So how does physicssave lives?'' he persisted.''It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,'' replied the professor.

|Married life is full of excitement and frustration:* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

|Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of ''rings'':* The Engagement Ring* The Wedding Ring* The Suffe-Ring* The Endu-Ring

|There was a man who said, ''I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!''Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce FriedmanA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin KitmanA gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

|A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- GuitryAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- BorgeAlways talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha ChristieAnd I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- SocratesCorrection: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

Q: What did the Pink Panther say when he

stepped on an ant?
A: ''Dead ant, Dead Ant ... Dead ant, Dead Ant ..
Dead Ant''
(to the tune of Pink Panther theme).

How do fireflies lose weight?
They burn
calories.

One ant was running across an unopened box of

crackers and urging another to speed up. ''But why do we have to
hurry?''
said one. ''Can you read, you nut! It says, Tear along the
dotted
line'''.

What is the wasps' favorite song?
Just a
Spoonful of Sugar.

If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three

days later leaves on Friday, how does he do it?
The horse's
name is Friday!

Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get
fired?


A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

What advice to cows
give?
Turn the udder
cheek and mooooove on!

|At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. ''What a great realist that painter is!'' he exclaimed. ''What painter?'' ''The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'.'' ''Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!'' ''That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!''