Newest jokes

Why did your
sister jump out
the window ?
Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit

Teacher: What's this a
picture
of ?
Class: Don't know, Miss.
Teacher: It's a
kangaroo.
Class: What's a kangaroo, miss ?
Teacher: A kangaroo is a native of
Australia.
Smallest boy: Wow, my sister's married one of them

Q: What do college students and deer have in

common?
A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at
your
headlights.

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, so too
the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this
rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $180. Are
there any questions?''
At this, a male student in the crowd
inquires, ''Er... How much for a
season pass?''

Q: How
many graduate students does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more
than five years to do
it.

Q. How many law professors does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the
research grant.

Don't you just hate the blatant

materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what
you
got?

If a word in a dictionary were
misspelled, how would we
know?

If necessity is the mother of invention,
why does so much unnecessary
stuff get invented?

Why is it that when you're driving and
looking
for an address, you turn the radio down?

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?The Elephants foreskin.

How do you catch an elephant?First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take aloadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goesto take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

THE DOCTOR because he says ''Take your clothes off.''THE DENTIST because he says ''Open wide.''THE HAIR DRESSER because he says ''Do you want them teased or blown?''THE MILKMAN because he says ''Do you want it in the back or in the front?''THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says ''Once it's in you'll love it.''THE BANKER because he says ''If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.''

Dentist: ''You don't need to open your mouth
any
wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside.''

Patient to Dentist: ''How much to get my teeth

straightened?''
''Twenty thousand bucks'' Patient heads for the
door.
Dentist to patient: ''Where are you going?''
''To a plastic
surgeon to get my mouth bent.''

Patient: How much to
have this tooth
pulled?
Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.

Patient:
Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.

Without
anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the

tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!

Hey, WITH pain it
costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.

What's worse
than having your doctor tell
you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?The bucket.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the thestranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, ''Let's talk. I've heardthat flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with yourfellow passenger.''Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and saidto the stranger ''What would you like to discuss?''''Oh, I don't know,'' said the stranger. ''How about nuclear power?''''OK,'' said Little Johnny. ''That could be an interesting topic. But letme ask you a question first. ''A horse, a cow, and a deer all eatgrass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cowturns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Whydo you suppose that is?''''Jeez,'' said the stranger. ''I have no idea.''''Well, then,'' said Little Johnny, ''How is it that you feel qualified todiscuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?''

A woman was cutting her husband's

thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.

She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious

qualities. ''It has more vitamin C than an orange,'' she remarked.

''And more hair than Dad,'' added their son.