Newest jokes

|An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself ''Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!.'' There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: ''No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.'' So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: ''Okay ..... NOW you're screwed.''

| true story, according to the LA Times.....Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, ''Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?''Wilkins replied, ''I don't know and I don't care!''

|Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like ''Dizzy Dean.'' Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names?BUD: Yes.LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.BUD: Who.LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.BUD: Who.LOU: The guy on first base.BUD: Who is on first.LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?BUD: That's the man's name!LOU: That's who's name?BUD: Yes.LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.BUD: Who.LOU: The guy on first.BUD: Who.LOU: The first baseman.BUD: Who is on first.LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?BUD: Certainly.LOU: Then who's playing first?BUD: Absolutely.LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.LOU: Who is?BUD: Yes.LOU: So who gets it?BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.LOU: Who's wife?BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.LOU: Who does?BUD: Absolutely.LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.BUD: Well, don't change the players around.LOU: I'm not changing nobody.BUD: Now, take it easy.LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.LOU: How could I get on third base?BUD: You mentioned his name.LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?BUD: No, Who's playing first.LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?BUD: Well what do you want me to do?LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?BUD: What's on second.LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD: He's on third.LOU: There I go back on third again.BUD: Well, I can't change their names.LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD: THIRD BASE!LOU: You got an outfield?BUD: Oh, sure.LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?BUD: Oh, absolutely.LOU: The left fielder's name?BUD: Why.LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.BUD: Who's playing first.LOU: Stay out of the infield!BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?BUD: What is on second.LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.BUD: Who is on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.LOU: And the left fielder's name?BUD: Why.LOU: Because.BUD: Oh he's Center Field.LOU: (whimpers) Center field.BUD: Yes.LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.BUD: Tomorrow.LOU: You don't want to tell me today?BUD: I'm tell you, man.LOU: Then go ahead.BUD: Tomorrow.LOU: What time?BUD: What time what?LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY ''WHO'S ON FIRST!''BUD: Then why come up here and ask?LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.BUD: What's on second.LOU: I don't know.BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!LOU: You gotta Catcher?BUD: Yes.LOU: The Catcher's name?BUD: Today.LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.BUD: Now you've got it.LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.BUD: Well I can't help that.LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.BUD: I know that.LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.BUD: Well I might arrange that.LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.BUD: Yes.LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.BUD: Yes.LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.LOU: is to throw it to first base.BUD: Yes.LOU: Now who's got it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: Who has it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: Naturally.BUD: Naturally.LOU: O.K.BUD: Now you've got it.LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.LOU: Then who gets it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: O.K.BUD: All right.LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.LOU: Naturally.BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.LOU: That's what I said.BUD: You did not.LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.LOU: Naturally.BUD: Yes.LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--LOU: Then who gets it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: That's what I'm saying.BUD: You're not saying that.LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.BUD: You throw it to Who!LOU: Naturally.BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!BUD: Now don't get excited.LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--BUD: Then Who gets it.LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.LOU: Hrmmph.BUD: Hrmmph.LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.BUD: Uh-huh.LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.BUD: Yeah. It could be.LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.BUD: What did you say.LOU: I said ''I don't give a darn.''BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!LOU: ABBOTT!

|What lights up a football stadium?A football match! If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?Cornflakes! Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?Because there is no atmosphere! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain?The team's kipper! Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for?Ref: The rest of the match! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?They tend to go cheep! What is a goal keepers favourite snack?Beans on post!

|How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What's tennis players favourite city?Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion! Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner's favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies! What does a footballer and a magician have in common?Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!

What's a ghosts favorite ride at the
carnival?
The roller ghosted.

What do you call a ghost with a broken
leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a

ghost?
Bamboo.

A teacher at a
school for blind kids is
taking his school's soccer team to an ''away
game''. They stop for a
rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy
with a little
impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is
sitting in a
nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that
blind kids
can play soccer.

''We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so
the kids can keep track
of where the ball is and what it's doing
by listening for it. They're
pretty good at it too.''

''Very
clever!'' remarks the other patron.

Just then they are
interrupted as another patron, who is looking out
the window, says, ''Hey!
Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from
the bus?''


''Yes,'' says the teacher, stung by the way ''his'' kids are being
refered
to, ''what about it? You got something against blind kids?''


''Nothing, ordinarily,'' says the guy, still scowling out the window,
r
''but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the
hell
out of my best milk cow!''

A snake
and a rabbit were racing along a
pair of intersecting forest pathways
one day, when they collided at
the intersection. They immediately began
to argue with one another as
to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked
that he had been blind since birth, and thus
should be given
additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and
began
commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said
that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never
been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that
reason did
not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The
rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they

could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from

head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal w
as.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around
the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, ''You've got very
soft, fuzzy fur,
long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for
a tail. I think that
you must be a bunny rabbit!''

The
rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to
return
the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a

few minutes, he asserted, ''Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've

got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and
you've
got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!''

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... ''Why the longface?''

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?100 people that don't do dick!!

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.''Hey Willis!!'' the farmer yelled. ''Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.''''That's mighty nice of you, '' Willis answered, ''but I don't think Pa would like me to.''''Aw, come on,'' the farmer insisted.''Well okay,'' the boy finally agreed, and added, ''but Pa won't like it.''After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. ''I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.''''Don't be foolish !'' the neighbor said with a smile. ''By the way, where is he?''''Under the wagon!''

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies ''They're making cakes.''The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer ''They're making cakes.'' The next morning the little girl says to her mother ''Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.''The Mother replies '' How do you know?''The girl says ''I licked the icing off the sofa!''

When the employees of a
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official

demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. ''Pull the pin like a

hand grenade,'' he explained, ''then depress the trigger to release the

foam.''
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled
fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the
pin.
The instructor hinted, ''Like a hand grenade, remember?''
In a
burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the

extinguisher at the blaze.

During a big fire downtown the firemen
were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor
with her baby. The fire
fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they
had placed a net, but the mother
refused. Things looked grim until a
tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the
women. He said that he was a
professional football player and that he
could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother
finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking
catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised
the child high in the air, spiked
it on the ground and yelled,
''TOUCHDOWN!!''

If olive oil comes from
olives,
where does baby oil come from?

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, ''Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ''Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'' She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. ''Patrick Henry, 1775.'' ''Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'''? Again, no response except from Martinez: ''Abraham Lincoln, 1863.'', saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, ''Class, you should be ashamed.Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do.'' She heard a loud whisper: ''Screw the Mexicans.''''Who said that?'' she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. ''Jim Bowie, 1836.'' At that point, a student in the back said, ''I'm gonna puke.'' The teacher glares and asks ''All right! Now, who said that?'' Again, Martinez says, ''George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'' Now furious, another student yells, ''Oh yeah? Suck this!'' Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher, ''Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'' Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, ''You little shit. If yousay anything else, I'll kill you.'' Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, ''Gary Condit toChandra Levy 2001.'' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ''Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!'' Martinez said, ''Saddam Hussein 2003.''

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishesat the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had severalstrands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ''Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?Her mother replied, ''Well, every time that you do something wrong andmake me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and thensaid, ''Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?''

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.