Newest jokes

What kind of apple has a
short temper?
A
crab apple.

''I gotta 'A' in
spelling,'' Tony told
his father.
''You dope!'' he replied. ''There isn't any 'A' in

'spelling'!''

Early Texas governors were not very well
educated. There was once a
chief executive who thought ''grammar'' was
his father's mother.

On one occasion this governor went hunting
and forgot his gun. He
phoned his secretary and asked him to send
the gun.

''The phone connection's bad,'' said the secretary. ''I
couldn't
catch that last word. Spell it.''

The governor
replied, '' 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion;
'N' like in
pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!''

A city boy was
on his first camping trip.
He was eating his lunch under a tree when an
old-timer came
along.
'It smells like rain,' he said to the boy.
The city boy
replied, 'They said it was lemonade.'

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping

pong and died. What would they put on his coffin ?
A lid !

What did the big ape say when he dialed
incorrectly?
''Oops! King Kong ring wrong.''

What is
big, hairy and can fly faster
than sound?
King Koncord.

Why did the bareback performer ride his horse?

Because it got too heavy to carry.

A man has a racehorse, never won a
race. Man
in disgust says,'' Horse, you win today or you pull a milk
wagon
tomorrow morning.'' The starting gate opens, the horses take-off,
they
move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He

kicks the horse and asks, ''WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. The horse, half

asleep says, ''I have to get up at three in the morning.''

Did you hear about the bear hunter?


Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a

large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just
as
he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began
to
speak to him!

''Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do
you want? Let's
negotiate the matter,'' said the
bear.

Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then

replied, ''I want a fur coat.''

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a
pet ?
It lives on ice !

What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ?

Tagliateddy !

What is a bear's favourite drink ?

Koka-Koala !

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, ''Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.'' She replied, ''What other way?''

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.He told me that he walked out because the guyasked me for my name and i said''Paddy Milligan''. He said ''How do you spell''Milligan''? he replied

Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. ''Oh, look at her, she's precious,just like Mommy.'' Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house.

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station.This irishman came on to do a song. He stoodnext to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded.He started singing ''I'm Still Standing''!

|Never squat with yer spurs on. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

|An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.''Correct,'' said the chief. ''How did you figure it out?''The warrior answered, ''It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.''