Newest jokes

|The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

|An American will say, ''Hot day!'' A Canadian will say, ''Hot day, eh?'' meaning ''It's a hot day, isn't it?''This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada never came to a similar point of self-assertion and that little word ''eh?'' is their refusal even to assert that it's a hot day without inviting somebody else to verify it.One definition of a Candian is ''a North American who refuses to join the revolution''.Another way to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American is to invite the suspected Canuck to lunch and watch him eat. If he's really upper crust, he'll eat like an Englishman, with knife and fork held firmly in his right and left hands. He'll cut with his knife, pack the results on the back of his fork and convey the food to his mouth with the fork still in this left hand.Many an American eats with knife and fork, too, but in a different way. He takes the knife in his right hand and the fork in his left to cut up the food. Then he puts the knife down and takes the fork in the right hand to convey the food to his mouth.A common garden-variety Canadian does the job differently. He doesn't use his knife at all, except for particularly stubborn steaks and other such tough foods. Instead he takes the fork in his right hand and leaves the knife beside his plate. Then he cuts the food with the edge of the fork and feeds himself with the fork held in the same hand.But suppose all these tests are inconclusive. There's one more, rather dangerous, way to tell a Canadian from an American. Just remark to the suspect that Canadians and Americans are so much alike that it's hard to tell one from the other. If the person involved is an American, he'll probably agree.But if he's a Canadian he'll let you know, in no unterms, that you're wrong. And that stubborn sense of difference is one main reason why the two countries, despite similarities, remain separate.(I'm pretty sure I agree with the last statement, but I'm not too sure if I like being called a wimp that doesn't even dare to assert that it's a hot day. (Which it is today.) And I'm tremendously relieved to know that I'm upper crust when it comes to eating. -KO)

An honest weatherman says, ''Today's

forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm
wrong.''

What do you get if you cross a radio music
presenter
with Match of the Day ?
DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !

What do you get if you cross a sports

reporter with a vegetable ?
A common tater !

Q: Why do divorced men get married
again?
A: Bad memory.

Definition of Divorce: The future tense of

marriage.

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for
a divorce from her
husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She
testified he'd stepped out
''for a beer'' on the Fourth of July, 1917,
and had never come back.

Question: Why is divorce so

expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.

My husband and I divorced over
religious
differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.

I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:Acts like her! Looks like her! Smells like her!So i took her home my father doesn't like her!?!!

Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.The genie said, ''OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!''The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, ''I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?''The genie laughed and said, ''That's impossible!!!Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish.''The man said, ''OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish.'' Finally, he said, ''I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say ''nothing,'', know how to make them truly happy.''The genie said, ''Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?''

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, ''It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.''Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, ''Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.''The pharmacist continues, ''It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!''

Q: Why are
frogs so happy?
A: They eat
whatever bugs them!

Q: What did the first stoplight say to
the second
stoplight?
A: Don't look I'm changing!!

A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through

northern California's apple country.

He stopped at an orchard
and asked the owner, ''How much are yer
apples?''

''All you
can pick for one dollar,'' said the rancher.

''Okay,'' said the
Pennsylvanian. ''I'll take two dollars'
worth.''

After a minor mathematical error on a routine
report, a worker's boss
tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, ''If
you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how
many would you have left?''
Quickly he replied, ''If it was you who
asked, I'd still have 4
apples.''

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his
orchard?
Someone told him he should get an apple Mac