Newest jokes

Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politcally correct?Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office
wanting to file for
divorce.
Attorney: ''May I help you?''


Hillbilly: ''Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces''.


Attorney: ''Well do you have any grounds?''

Hillbilly: ''Yea, I got
about a hundred acres.''

Attorney: ''No, you don't understand, do
you have a case?''

Hillbilly: ''No, I don't have a Case, but I
have a John Deere.''

Attorney: ''I mean, do you have a grudge?''


Hillbilly: ''Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere.''

Attorney: ''No sir, I mean do you have a suit?''


Hillbilly: ''Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.''


Attorney: ''Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?''


Hillbilly: ''No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.''


Attorney: ''Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?''

Hillbilly:
''No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger
. That's why I want this dayvorce.''

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, ''I drove my car into a ditch.''The second woman said, ''I blew chunks.''The third woman said, ''I burned down my house.'' After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, ''I guess I won,'' and the second woman said, ''You don't understand, Chunks is my dog.''

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. ''I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!''

A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.He asks the man at the counter, ''Do you have any rooms available?''The man at the counter says, ''Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes.''''OK.'' The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,''Ahh,that feels good!'' Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,''Ahh,that feels even better!'' Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,''OUCH!!My dick!!''He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, ''You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?''He said, ''Yeah, how did you know? ''The man at the counter said, ''Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.

What's the speed limit of sex?68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex. Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw. Wife: ''That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat.''

believe that the members of the dental

profession are the only men who can tell a women to open or close her
mouth and
get away with it.

Patient:Do you extract teeth
painlessly?
Dentis: ''Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my
wrist

A flea jumped over the swinging doors of a

saloon, drank three whiskeys and jumped out again. He picked himself up

from the dirt, dusted himself down and said, ''OK, who moved my

dog?''

What's
the easiest way for a Gorilla
hunter to make money?
Collect unemployment insurance!

What's the difference between a hunter and a

fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

The
Wednesday-night church service
coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our
pastor asked who had
bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the
pastor said, ''I
don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were
unable to
make service because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation
pray for your deer.''
One hunter groaned, ''Well, it worked. They're
all safe.''

What is the best
way to hunt bear?

With your clothes off

What do you get if you cross a telephone with

a hunting dog?
A golden receiver!

My boyfriend thinks I'm
beautiful
Well
they do say that love is blind !

Last night I dreamt I was
dancing with the
most beautiful girl in the world
What was I wearing ?

Monster: I'm so ugly.
Ghost: It's not
that bad!
Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out
cigars.
When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes.
When I was born
they simply passed out.

|How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)How do you tell a Canadian from an American?It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say ''zed'' instead of ''zee''. But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say ''zee,'' and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.Another test used to be the word ''lieutenant''. Canadians pronounced it in the British was, ''leftenant'', while Americans say ''lootenant''. But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a ''u'' in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's ''Canadian Labor Congress'' when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word ''house'' for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as ''hoose''.The same for ''out'' and ''about''. The way some Canadians say them sounds like ''oot'' and ''aboot'' to many Americans. And when an American says ''house'' to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an ''ay'' in it, something like ''hayouse''.But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression ''eh?'' - pronounced ''ay?'' This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.