Newest jokes

What is the meaning of ''sanctity''?It's french, for a lady with five breasts.Sent by Darrell

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. ''No woman,'' said one man, scornfully, ''can keep a secret.'' ''I don't know about that,'' huffily answered a woman guest. ''I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'' ''You'll let it out some day,'' the man insisted. ''I hardly think so!'' responded the lady. ''When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.''

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY 9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT 7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO ''TAKE IT TO THE HOLE''6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE 4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO 3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS 2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS 1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS

What ''bus'' crossed
the ocean?
Columbus.

What do you call a man with a double decker bus on
his head
?
The deceased !

|There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

|There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: ''The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ''The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'' The Irishman was thinking: ''This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again.''

|There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, ''In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.''The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, ''Now it's my turn to punch you.''The Scotsman said, ''Keep the lousy egg.''

|One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: ''You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!''

|Q: Why don't blind people skydive?A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

|A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: ''I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.''''But how do you know when you are going to land?'' he was asked. ''I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground'' he answered.''But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?'' he was again asked. He quickly answered: ''Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.''

Did you hear about
the auto mechanic
who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying
under the
couch?

Patient: Why did you
charge me a
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

Fred: ''Why are you so upset?''
Harry:
''My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.''
Fred: ''So
what?''
Harry: ''So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.
You know,
one of the men I've been telling you about'.''

''The trouble is,'' said the entertainer
to
the psychiatrist, ''that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't
tell
jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or
do magic
tricks or do anything!''
''Then why don't you give up
show business?''
''I can't - I'm a star!''

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, ''The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!''

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, ''Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you.''To which the wife responds, ''He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, too.''

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.He turned to her and said, ''This is a special day, I'm celebrating.''''What a coincidence,'' said the woman, ''I'm celebrating, too''. She clinked glasses with him and asked, ''What are you celebrating?''''I'm a chicken farmer,'' he replied. ''For years all my hens were infertile, but today they'refinally fertile.''''What a coincidence, the woman said. ''My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'mpregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?'' she asked.''I switched cocks,'' he replied.''What a coincidence,'' she said.

Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. ''You know,'' said the first friend, ''I can always tell who the golfers are in church.''''How's that?'' asked his friend.''It's easy,'' he said. ''Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip.''