Newest jokes

The MammogramThis is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork.If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.

A woman walks into the local pharmacy and ask's to see sanitary napkins.The pharmacist replies, ''We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?''The woman asks, ''What's the difference?'' Pharmacist replies, ''It depends on what you flow is like!'' Woman replies, ''My flo? My flo is linoleum!''

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. ''So did you follow him?'' ''I did.'' ''And...where did he go?'' ''Over to your house!''

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband, ''He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.''He replied, ''But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!''

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:''It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.''

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called ''Gravol for Children''. It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, ''Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?''The doctor answered, ''Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.''''I know, but can't you give me some idea?,'' she asks. ''Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...''''Like this?'' ''A little more...''''Like this?'' ''No. A little more...''''Like this?'' ''Yes. Does that hurt?'' ''A little bit.'' ''Now stretch it over your head!''

Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room1) Clip your toenails. 2) Read a Playboy magazine. 3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed. 4) Flirt with the nurse. 5) Watch a football game on your portable television. 6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound1) Thirsty? 2) Where did the extra set of arms come from? 3) Why does it look so much like a lizard? 4) So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism? 5) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.''What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting,'' the nurse exclaimed.''I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby,'' the new mother replied.''You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.''''You don't understand,'' the woman said and frowned. ''My baby already has a FIRST name!''

What do you call a geriatric gynecologist?A spreader of old wives' tales!

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, ''I'd like to have some birth control pills.''Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, ''Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?''The woman responded, ''They help me sleep better.''The doctor thought some more and continued, ''How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?''The woman said, ''I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!''

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, ''Do you understand what I am doing?''''Yes,'' the patient answered. ''You're checking for dermatological abrasions. ''Correct,'' the doctor lied.Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired, ''Do you understand what I am doing?'' ''You're feeling for cancerous lumps,'' she ventured.''Very astute,'' the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.''And do you understand what I am doing now?'' ''All too well,'' the patient shot back. ''You're contracting herpes!''

I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth.So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend!

From Late Show with David LettermanTop Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.9. Keeps saying, ''A spine is like a box of chocolates.''8. Repeatly asks, ''You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?''7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by ''Uh-oh''.6. There's a two drink minimum.5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, ''My turn!''4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.2. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll ''straighten'' something else.1. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?Tunnel vision!

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, ''There's lots of openings!''

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.''Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?''''My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.''''Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!''