Newest jokes

Is your food spicy Sir ?
No, smoke
always comes out of my ears !

Young woman sat down in small

restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order.
''I'll have a hamburger
please.''
''Burger!'' she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added.
''Make that
well done.''
Waitres turned away again.
''Torture
it!'' she yelled.

Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. Onefag turned to the other and said, ''See that stud there, Bruce?'' ''Sure.'' ''Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!'' ''No shit?'' Bruce asked. ''Well, hardly any.''

How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.''Would you like it sliced, sir?'' the shopkeeper asked politely.''What do you think I am?'' replied the fag, ''...a money box!''

A ninety-year-old couple decide
to get a
divorce. They go to the judge and say, ''Judge, we want a
divorce.''

The judge says, ''You've been married 70 years and now you want to
get
a divorce? Why did you wait so long?''
The couple say in
unison, ''Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were
dead.''

Yo mama so poor
when I ring the doorbell
she says,''DING!''

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay
attention!

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can

down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said

''Moving.''

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle

stick and calls it air conditioning.

Yo mama so tall she tripped over
a rock
and hit her head on the moon.

What do you call a ghost in a torn

sheet?
A holy terror.

What do you call a vulture with no
beak?

A head banger.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and

after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not

happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet
gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog
nudges the
hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times
before shaking
his head. ''There'' says the vet,'' Your hamster is
dead''. Still not
happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens
the back door and
in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and
looks the hamster up
and down for a few minutes before looking up
and shaking it's head.
''It's definitely dead sir'', says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires
how much he owes. ''That will be L1000,
please''. ''A L1000 just to
tell me my hamster is dead'' fumes the man.
''Well'', says the vet,
''There's my diagnosis, the lab report and
the cat scan''.

Why do bears
have fur coats ?

Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

What do you get if you cross
a
teddy bear with a pig ?
A teddy boar !

How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put
him on stilts !

A wife asks her husband, ''Honey, if I died, would you remarry?''''After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.''''If I died and you remarried,'' the wife asks, ''would she live in this house?''''We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.''''If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,'' the wife asks, ''would she sleep in our bed?''''Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.''''If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?'' ''Oh, no,'' the husband replies. ''She's left-handed.''

What were Jesus' last words at the last supper?''Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture,get on THIS side of the table''

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, ''I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”Resigned, the man signed and said, ''Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?''''Three-hundred fifty dollars,'' the doctor replied.''Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!'' the man stammered.''Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.''