Newest jokes

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?SparkySent by Shawn

What did the Gorilla do with the apple
he was
holding in his hands?
He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle
for the
teacher!'

What's the difference between a worm and an
apple ?
Have you ever tried worm pie ?!

What reads and lives in an apple ?
A bookworm
!

If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples
in the
orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
None,
because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete theirplaying time standing up.Roberts looks around and asks, ''Now, who is going to tell the wife?'' They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser,picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.''Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.'' Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.Rippington says, ''Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.''She hollers, ''TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!''Rippington says, ''I'll tell him.''

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was ahot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, ''Gosh! If I go down threeinches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.''There was a fish in the water thinking, ''Gosh! If that fly goes down threeinches I can eat him.''There was a bear on the shore thinking, ''Gosh! If that fly goes down threeinches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him.''It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. ''Gosh!'' he thought, ''If that fly goesdown three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will exposehimself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a properlunch.''You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but Ican tell you there was more.A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, ''Gosh! If that fly goes downthree inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs forthat fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.''A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as wasfashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,''Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for thatfly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots thatbear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch.''The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for thecooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabsthe fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheesesandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat fallsinto the water and drowns.The moral of the story is....Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in frontof the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture thatthe gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. ''Are you hurt?''she asks.She replies, ''Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!''

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!HOW TO WASH THE CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.CAUTION:Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power ''Wash'' and ''Rinse'', which I have found to be quite effective.6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.Sincerely,THE DOG

|An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: ''Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.''In a short time he received the following reply: ''Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.''

|Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, ''This is the place!''.The other replied, ''No, it's not!''.The first man said, ''Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, ''Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover.''

|Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, ''Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?''The other guy says, ''Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!''

Surveyor: This house is a ruin. I wonder

what stops it from falling down.
Owner: I think the woodworm are
holding hands.

How do fireflies start
a race?
Ready,
steady, glow!

The
Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year
they predicted the general luck and
overall mood of the year by
watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears
were forward, that meant a
successful, joyous year was almost certain to
happen. But if his ears
were laid back flat against his head, it meant
that an unlucky or
very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was
young Mary's
turn to ''survey'' the animal and come up with the
prediction. It was
her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to
take the
key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well,
she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in
fact
it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran

the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S

EAR!

|I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick MartinI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- TynanI think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis DillerI've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- ChekhovIf you never want to see a man again, say, ''I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children...'' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two
nights.
Harry: Why's that?
Fred: Granny broke her leg. The
doctor put it in plaster and told her
she shouldn't walk upstairs.
You should hear the row when she climbs up
the drainpipe.

What kind of doctor does a duck
visit?
A
Ducktor.