Newest jokes

|BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: ''Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889.'' Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot. Next, we rewrite the text: ''Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.''

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, ''Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down.''So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, ''Woo mama! What are those?''She says, ''Those are my headlights.'' The kid says ''Ahh.''Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, ''Woo mama! What is that?'' and she replies back with, ''That is my garage.'' The kid says ''Ahh.''The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap,he drops it. When he picks it up he says, ''Woo daddy! What is that?'' The father replies back, ''That's my limousine.''That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, ''Sure, just don't look under the covers.''Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says ''Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!''

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, ''There was a man in the convent last night.'' 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.The head nun goes on, ''We found a condom in the garden.'' Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goeshee hee hee.The head nun continues ''There was a hole in that condom.'' 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

Teacher: What's a robin?
Fred: A bird that
steals, ma'am.

Why did a man's
pet vulture not make a sound
for five years?
It was stuffed.

What do you get if you cross
a giant, hairy
monster with a penguin?
I don't know but it's a very tightfitting
tuxedo.

|How do men exercise at the beach?By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

|What's the best way to force a man to do situps?Put the remote between his toes.

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, ''Do you think there's baseball in heaven?'' Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, ''I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven.'' They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, ''Sol... Sol....'' Sol responded, ''Abe! Is that you?'' ''Yes it is Sol,'' whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, ''So, is there baseball in heaven?'' ''Well,'' Abe said, ''I got good news and I got bad news.'' ''Gimme the good news first,'' said Sol. Abe said, ''Well... there is baseball in heaven.'' Sol said, ''That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?'' Abe sighed and whispered, ''You're pitching on Friday.''

What is the difference between baseball and law?In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

TOP 10 REASONS BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 9. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK 8. YOU HAVE A COACH TO TELL YOU WHEN TO ADVANCE 7. WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, YOU ALWAYS GET RELIEVED 6. IF YOU STRIKE OUT ONCE, YOU STILL HAVE AT LEAST 2 MORE TIMES TO GET A HIT 5. UP TO 4 PEOPLE CAN SCORE AT ONCE 4. POP UPS ARE FREQUENT 3. 30,000 PEOPLE CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 2. AFTER 7 INNINGS, YOU GET TO STRETCH 1. YOU CAN GET A HOMERUN WITHOUT ANY FOREPLAY

One day, a grandpa and his grandson
go
golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving

him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the

grandpa says, ''When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over
that
tree.'' So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the
tree
and lands not to far from where it started. ''Of course,'' added
the
grandpa, ''when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet

tall.''

Do you think my skin is starting to show its

age?''
''I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles.''

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a

new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab
tests,
the doctor said Edgar was doing ''fairly well'' for his
age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking

the doctor, ''Do you think I'll live to be 80?''

The doctor
asked, ''Well, do you smoke or drink beer?''

''Oh no,'' Edgar
replied, ''I've never done either.''

Then the doctor asked, ''Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued
ribs?''

Edgar said, ''No, I've
heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!''

''Do you spend a
lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?'' the
doctor
asked.

''No, I don't,'' Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, ''Do you
gamble, drive fast cars, or run around
with women?''

''No,''
Edgar said, ''I don't do any of those things.''

The good doctor
looked at Edgar and said, ''Then why the heck do you
want to live to
be 80?''

Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy

today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and

walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing
of it.
Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of
it
myself.

An American tourist found himself in a sleepy
country village, and
asked one of the locals the age of the oldest
inhabitant.
''Well, sir,'' replied the villager, ''we ain't got one
now. He died
last week.''

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesare hitting from the ladies tee.The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is readyto hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks itanother ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically''I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help.''One of the men immediately replies ''No, you see that's your problem. Youshould have been taking golf lessons instead.''

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says ''thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter''.''Thank you,'' the golfer replied, ''but where were you last week when I hitthe ball into the pussywillows?''

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees abuilding on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding herpet cat in her arms.''Hey, lady,'' yells Larry, ''Throw me the cat.''''No,'' she cries, ''It's too far.''''I play football, I can catch him.''The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves toLarry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catchit. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handedcatch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks intocheers.Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles hisknees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?When he's hanging by his teeth.