Newest jokes

What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps
on
Batman and Robin ?
Flatman and Ribbon !

A father and his small son were standing in front
of the tiger's
cage at the zoo.

Father was explaining how
ferocious and strong tigers are and junior
was taking it all in
with a serious expression.

Dad,'' the boy said finally, ''if the
tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up ...''

''Yes, son?'' the
father said expectantly.

''What bus should I take home?'' the boy
finished.

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young
zoo keeper
asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task.
''Go and
clean out the aquarium'' he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he
discovered that all the fish were dead. He
rushed back to the head
keeper and asked what he should do. ''Throw
them to the lions'' said
the head keeper, ''the lions will eat anything''.
So the young keeper
returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead
fish and threw
them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and
asked what he
should do now.
He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house.
Off he went and
started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead
chimpanzees in the
cage, and rushed back for instructions. ''Dont
worry'' said the head
keeper, ''just throw them to the lions, the lions
will eat anything''. So the
young man returns to the ape house
and throws the dead animals into the
lions cage.
Returning
again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean
up the
insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he
notices
that all the bees have died.
''I know what to do'', he thinks to
himself ''I'll throw them all to
the lions, as the lions will eat
anything'', whereupon he brushes them
all up and throws them into the
lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains
a new lioness. The lioness is
walking around the new cage for the first
time, and starts asking
the other lions what things are like here.
''Hows the
accommodation?'', she asks. ''Fine'' comes the reply from one
lion. ''And whats the
food like?'' she asks.
''Not bad'' replies another, ''yesterday, we had
fish, chimps and mushy
bees''.

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other
day. I
said, ''If you want people to see you they can come here and
do
it!''

''Hey, Pop,'' pleaded Angelo, ''can I go to the zoo
to see the monkeys?''

''What's the matter with you?'' asked his
father.

''Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt
Maud is
here?''

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?Because it does not need to be cleaned!

What would you call a virgin on a water bed?A cherry float!

What's long and hard and excites a girl whenshe's finally lucky enough to get on it?The road to success!

What's the difference between men and women?Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!

What will the Easter Bunny be doing after
Easter?
One to three for breaking and entering.

How do you catch the Easter
Bunny?
Hide
in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

How should you send a letter to the Easter

Bunny?
By hare mail!

Who delivers Easter treats to all the
fish
in the sea?
The Oyster Bunny!

A travel agent looked up from his

desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the
shop window at the posters showing
the glamorous destinations around
the world. The agent had had a
good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a
rare feeling of generosity.

He
called them into his shop and said, ''I know that on your pension

you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to
a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.''


He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly
accepted, and were on their way.

About a month
later the little lady came in to his shop. ''And
how did you like your
holiday?'' he asked eagerly. ''The flight
was exciting and the room
was lovely,'' she said. ''I've come to thank
you.
But, one th
ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the
room
with?''

There was some mix-up with a
woman's room. The
clerk (or whatever they are called on ships)
was
trying to remedy the situation. He asked, ''Would you
like an inside
cabin or an outside cabin?'' She
replied, ''Well, it looks like it might
rain today.
I'd better get an inside cabin.''

Someone -- always a man -- always

asks, ''does the
ship run on generators?'' The Cruise Director
usually
tells them, ''No, we just have a very long power line
running
to the mainland.''

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer:In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, ''Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?'' Sheresponded, ''Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.''The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, ''Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?''She replied, ''Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice isone of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated onhis wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, Iknow him.'' The defense attorney almost died.The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a veryquiet voice said, ''If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.''

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?The cats keep covering them up with sand!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. ''Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leavingmy name, address and other particulars. But I'm not.''