Newest jokes

Doctor, Doctor! my sister thinks

she's an elevator.
Tell her to come in.
I can't. She doesn't
stop at this floor.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave, how ya doin?''His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser''.''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.''A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.''!

|A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, '' Only caught one, eh?''

|Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, ''Did you see that?''''No,'' the second guy says.''Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,'' the first guy says.''Oh,'' says the second guy.A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, ''Did you see that?''''See what?'' the second guy asks.''Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.''''Oh.''A few minutes later the first guy says: ''Did you see that?''By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, ''Yes, I did!''And the first guy says: ''Then why did you step in it?''

|A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, ''How does this boat float?The father replied, ''Don't rightly know son.'' A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, ''How do fish breath underwater?''Once again the father replied, ''Don't rightly know son.'' A little later the boy asked his father, ''Why is the sky blue?''Again, the father repied. ''Don't rightly know son.'' Finally, the boy asked his father, ''Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?''The father replied, ''Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'.''

|Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, ''Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow.'' The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, ''Did you mark that spot?'' His friend replied, ''Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat.'' The first one said, ''You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?''

|Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, ''Watson, look up. What do you see? ''Well, I see thousands of stars.'' ''And what does that mean to you?'' ''Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?'' ''To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.''

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana

make ?
Slippers !

What is a ghost favorite fruit ?
Boonanaa
!

|A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them

|Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

What sort of animals make the best TV
presenters ?
Gnus - readers !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana
!
Banana who ?
Banana split so ice creamed !

How can you tell the difference between a

monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either
a monster or a giant
banana.

|You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, ''Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?'' You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

|My Mother taught me LOGIC...''If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.'' My Mother taught me MEDICINE...''If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.'' My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...''If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!'' My Mother taught me ESP...''Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?'' My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...''What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!'' My Mother taught me HUMOR...''When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'' My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...''If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS...''You are just like your father!'' My mother taught me about my ROOTS...''Do you think you were born in a barn?'' My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...''When you get to be my age, you will understand.'' My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...''Just wait until your father gets home.'' My mother taught me about RECEIVING...''You are going to get it when we get home.'' And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE...''One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!''

|The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. ''Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?'' inquired the officer. ''Mister,'' exclaimed the telephone lineman, ''I was at the top of the pole!''

|My horoscope read, ''You're going places and you can't be stopped.''Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.

|Polceman: ''I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.''Man: ''What's the charge?''Polceman: ''Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service

|Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, ''He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.''The next-door neighbor protested, ''Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.''The wife replied, ''Yes, but who wants HIM back?''