Newest jokes

Why did the two knives go to the dance
together?

Because they both looked sharp!

These two friends are about to go to
a club.
One of them has a wooden eye. He said 'If someone says
something
about my eye, i'm gonna snap.' They get there, and he asks a

girl to dance. She says, 'Would I?'

|An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, ''Johnson, the pole vault,'' and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, ''McTavish, the hammer.'' He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, ''O'Sullivan, fencing.''

Q: What word begins with the letter ''F''
and ends
in ''UCK''?
A: FIRETRUCK.

Q. What does CHAOS stand
for?
A.
The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

What do you get if you cross an Egyptian

mummy with a car mechanic?
Toot and Car Man.

|A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.''What's so funny?'' the bartender asked.''That stupid Dave!'' the fellow chortled, ''He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!''

Why did the boy jump up and down on
the
letter?
He heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office
won't send
them.

What did the stamp say to the
envelope?
''I've become attached to you.''

What did the envelope say to the
stamp?
''Stick with me and we'll go places.''

What letter stands for the ocean?
The letter
C.

What did the turkey say to the turkey
hunter?
''Quack! Quack! Quack!''

Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting.

Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How
come?
The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, ''Do you still get horny?''The other replies, ''Oh sure I do.'' The first old lady asks, ''What do you do about it?'' The second old lady replies, ''I suck a lifesaver.'' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ''Who drives you to the beach?''

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. ''You'll never get that worm back in his hole,'' said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.''Billy! You're a genius,'' exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. ''Grampa,'' said the boy, ''You already gave me a dollar.''''No,'' replied grampa, ''That dollar's from grandma!''

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some
grass but you've only
drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all
the grass !

Mum: From now on your going to have free
school dinners.
Son:But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is
more than
enough !

Mother:
Let me see your report
son.
Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping

me !

My sister is so dim she thinks that

a cartoon is a song you sing in a car.

Alfie was listening to his

sister practice her singing. ' Sis,' he said, 'I wish you'd sing

Christmas carols.'
'That's nice of you, Alfie,' she replied. 'Why
?'
'Then I'd only have to hear you once a year !'