Newest jokes

|What does a man consider a seven course meal?A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bedbeside her.She said ''I must have been tight last night''The Elephant said ''You were the first time but second time was'nt so bad''Sent by lcg

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has acork in his ass. He says, ''How'd you get a cork in your ass?'' The other guy says, ''I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, ''I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.'' And I said, ''No shit.''

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night. ''Sure,'' said the farmer, ''my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up.'' Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him....''Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.'' ''I heard you,'' said the salesman,''but I think I'm in the wrong joke.''

What does a
frog say when it washes car
windows? Rub it, rub it, rub it.

A Second OpinionA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming forhelp. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has himput his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines thestill, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that hisdog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and notwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and putsthe cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body andfinally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man andsays, ''I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.''The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.The vet looks at the man and says, ''I'm sorry, but the lab thinksyour dog is dead too.''The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet andasks how much he owes. The vet answers, ''$650.''''$650 to tell me my dog is dead?'' exclaimed the man....''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I would only have charged you $50 formy initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scanand lab tests.''

Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?

To see who shot his ''paw.''

Did the bionic
monster have a
brother ?
No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!

'What's your father's

occupation?' asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic

year.
'He's a conjurer, Ma'am,' said the new boy.
'How
interesting. What's his favourite trick?'
'He saws people in
half.'
'Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?'
'One
half brother and two half sisters.'

Mummy Monster: What are you doing
with that saw and where's your
little brother ?
Young Monster:
Hee, hee ! He's my half-brother now!

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?Anorexic

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and nextmorning found out that she was six months pregnant.

What do Germans use for birth control?Their personalities!

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You're going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn't leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don't. What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out? My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone! So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? He's not a loser. A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite. I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother. Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. ENOUGH !!! Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you're worried about the loser? Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Goodbye, mother. Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother

started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we
don't know where the hell she is.

What do baby swans dance to ?

Cygnet-ure-tunes !

''What's the matter with your dinner
?''
''Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor

later what I've eaten !''

A out-of-towner in New York at the height
of the tourist season
decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd
enjoyed on a previous
trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of
an overworked waiter, he
said, ''You know, it's been over five
years since I first came in here.''

''You'll have to wait your turn,
sir,'' replied the harried and now
irritated waiter, ''I can only
serve one table at a time.''

At which fast food
restaurant is a
hamburger happiest?
Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!

What is a dog's favourite Easter
treat?

Jelly bones!