Newest jokes

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her
mind

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and

got brain-washed.

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her
picture!

Yo
mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on
her weave so now everybody calls
her Hair Jordan.

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and
was
marked absent!

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and
was marked
absent!

|An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, ''Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?'' The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. ''What are you doing?'' asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, ''Hey, why are you dragging that car door?'' ''Well,'' he said, ''I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window.''

|O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. ''Please, God,'' he implored, ''let it be blood!''

|A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, ''What's your name and address?'' ''I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.'' The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. ''I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.''

|Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says ''Hello''. The voice at the end of the phone says ''Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country.'' SH smiles to himself, ''Come on Paddy'', he says, ''there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance.'' Paddy replies, ''No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you.'' So SH says, ''OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time.'' So Paddy says, ''Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.'' Hussein laughs, ''Oh come on, you've not got a hope''. ''Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, '', Paddy says, ''we'll just have a quick meeting.'' So off he goes and has a quick meeting. ''Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war.'' So SH says, ''Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.'' ''Well,'' Paddy says, ''I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.'' ''Get real, '' says SH, ''that's no match at all.'' So Paddy says, ''Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.'' ''Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war.'' SH thinks this is just amazing, ''Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?''. ''Well,'' says Paddy, ''there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30.'' Laughing openly now SH replies, ''Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting.'' ''I will'', says Paddy, ''I will.'' ''Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all.'' ''At last, '' replies SH, ''What made you change your mind?'' ''Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!''

|The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, ''s'' will be used instead of the soft ''c''. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ''c'' will be replaced with ''k''. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ''ph'' will be replaced by ''f''. This will make words like ''fotograf'' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ''e''s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ''th'' by z'' and ''w'' by v During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ''o'' kan be dropd from vords kontaining ''ou'', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Moody was
awakened by the telephone at
four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy,
Crumm, calling long
distance from Montgomery. ''What's the matter?''
asked Moody. ''Are you in
trouble?'' ''No!'' said Crumm.

''What do you want, then?'' ''Nothing!''
''Then how come you are
calling me in the middle of the night?''
asked Moody. ''Cause!'' said the
other redneck, ''the rates is
cheaper!''

Kelso met Hensley on the
street. ''Hey!''
said Kelso, ''how come I never hear from you? Why don't you
call me
on the telephone?'' ''You ain't got no tellyphone!'' said
Hensley. ''I
know,'' said Kelso. ''But you do!''

Come on, Fred,
I'll take you to the zoo. If
the zoo wants me, let them come and get
me!

Fred's class was taken to the Natural History

Museum in New York. ''Did you enjoy yourself?'' asked her mother when
she
got home.
''Oh, yes,'' replied Fred. ''But it was funny going to
a dead
zoo.''

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his
pal asked him how he
had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied,
''it was a total con! I saw
a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I
followed it and saw the monkeys.
Then I saw another sign that said To
The Bears, so I followed that and
saw the bears. But when I followed
a sign that said To the Exit, I
found myself out on the street.''

There was this truck driver who had to
deliver
500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck
through
the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves

another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to

the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver
arrives in town and sees the new
truck driver crossing the road
with 500 penguins walking in single file
behind him.

The
original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, ''What's
going on?
I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!''

The new
truck driver responds, ''I did take them to the zoo. And I had
enough
money left over so now we're going to see a movie.''

|Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

|What's the difference between a man and E.T.?E.T. phoned home!

|What did God say after he created man?I can do better than this!