Newest jokes

Morty the producer dies and goes to

purgatory. The agent behind the counter says ''So Morty, what's it
gonna
be Heaven or Hell?'' Morty asks, ''What's the difference?'' Sid
says
''Take a look at the monitor over here.''

Morty goes to
the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are
quietly
floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns
to Sid
and says ''Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's
Hell
like?''

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does
and sees scenes
of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and
laughing and singing and generally having a great
time.

''This is great!'' says Morty. ''I think I'll try Hell.'' Sid
directs
him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down
arrow. Morty
does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.


When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look
s around
from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees.
Everywhere are
people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning
and suffering.
There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing
their skin. Its
horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button
and goes right back to
Sid.''

''What is this!? Hell is nothing
like you showed me on the monitor! It
was awful down there!''


Sid says, ''You mean that monitor?''

''Yes,'' says Morty.


''Oh, well, that was just the pilot.''

A Director arrives below and is met by
Satan
who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie
studio
with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors,
etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if
hell is this
good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director
is confused. ''Then what's the difference,'' he
asks.

Satan smiles. ''Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies.''

Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't

pretty and wasn't ugly ?
She was pretty ugly

She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice
-
they can't believe it the first time.

Bill: My sister has lovely
long red hair
all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.

Julie had broken off her
engagement. Her
friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at
first
sight,' said Julie.
'It was, but it was the second and third
sights that changed my
mind.

Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for

your girlfriend improve her appearance ?
Man: It did for a while -
then it fell off.

|Where do religious school children practice sports?In the prayground! How did the basketball court get wet?The players dribbled all over it! Why did the chicken get sent off?For persistent fowl play! Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?It was a cup draw! Where do football directors go when they are fed up?The bored room! A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?''Were the crowd not behind you'' asked the reporter''They were right behind me all right'', said the manager, ''But I managed to shake them off at the station!'' Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New

York?
Pigpockets.

Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized
his
story?
Because they called it garbage.

What
happens if you tell a
psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
He charges you double.

Psychiatrist: Well, what's
your
problem?
Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black
shoes.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer
brown
shoes to black shoes. I do myself.
Patient: Really? How do your like
yours - fried or boiled?

Have you seen the bus website?
Yes - it's just
the ticket!

Which end of a bus is it best to get

off?
It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.

What is the difference between a
bus driver
and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

Janet: What's the
difference between a cake
and a school bus ?
Jill: I don't know.
Janet: I'm glad I didn't
send you to pick up my birthday cake !

Does this bus stop at the river?
If it
doesn't there'll be a very big splash.

|When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: ''Some parents,'' she said, ''tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.''' One of the women spoke up immediately. ''Does she cook???''

|The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. ''It was enough to make anybody faint,'' he said. ''My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.''

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Mick Jagger Barbie ...Mick
with Barbie's head...but Mick's
lips