Newest jokes

Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?A: So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What did the pig say
when he found a line of
ants in his trough?
''Mmm. Canapes.''

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with

toads?
She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

Why wouldn't the
piglet's mother let her
read romantic novels?
She was afraid her daughter would run away with
a wolf.

Why wouldn't the bird
let her chicks go near
the pig pen?
She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.

Jay:
Does the Bible say that if
you smoke you can't get to
heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke
the quicker you'll get there.

A cattleman from West
Texas died &
went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he
noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to
the gate
keeper, ''Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like
Texas.''

''The gatekeeper replied, ''First of all, I'm not Saint Peter
and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you
?''

Conductor, do you stop
at the Savoy Hotel?

I should say not, on my salary!

Why does your sister have yeast and

shoe polish for breakfast ?
Because she wants to rise and
shine.

My sister went
on a crash
diet.
Is that why she looks a wreck ?

Do you like my new baby sister ?
The
stalk bought her.
Hmm, it looks as if the stalk dropped her on
her head.

Michael: It's hard for my

sister to eat.
Maureen: Why ?
Michael: She can't bear to stop
talking.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. ''Our flag symbolizes our taxes,'' he said. ''We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.'' ''That's the same with us,'' the American said, ''only we see stars, too.''

Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper''Black pepper, or white pepper?'' asked the concierge.''Toilette pepper!''

A man was
driving a black truck. His
lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady
was crossing the
street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright, sunny day.

If six children and two dogs were under
an
umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Because it wasn't
raining.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to
heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

A doctor, an engineer, and a

fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd
healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was
a sinner and was sent
to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the
homeless, etc.; but he
messed up the environment, so he was sent to
Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as
he
mentioned his occupation, God said ''You've already been thru
Hell,
Welcome to Heaven.''