Newest jokes

What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the
twist !

The swing doors of the Wild
West saloon
crashed open and in came Little Pete, black with fury.
''All right!'' he
raged, ''all right! Who did it? What goldarned
varmint painted my
horse blue?''
The huge figure of Black Jake, notorious gunfighter and
town baddie
rose from a chair by the door.
''It was me, shrimp,''
he drawled, bunching his gigantic fists, ''what
about it?''
''Oh,
well, er,'' stammered little Pete wretchedly, ''all I wanted to
say
was. . .when are you going to give it another coat?''

Who do
zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were
resting their
horses out on the range.

''What'd Emmaline give
yew for yore birthday?'' asked Swint.

''Pair of cufflinks,'' said
Fess. ''But I ain't got no use for them. I
can't even find anyplace
to get my wrists pierced.''

Visitor: Wow, you have a
lot of flies
buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we
just let them go barefoot.

What do you get if you cross a wireless
with a
hairdresser ?
Radio waves !

What do you get if you cross a
hairdresser and a bucket
of cement ?
Permanent waves !

What kind of hair do oceans have
?
Wavy !

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing

eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging
the
dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,
''What are
you doing?!!'' The blind man replies, ''Just looking
around.''

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a

dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in
his
pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A
passerby
remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the
dog had done.
''Not at all,'' said the blind man. ''I only wanted to
find out which
end to kick.''

One day at a busy
airport, the passengers on
a commercial airliner are seated waiting for
the pilot to show up
so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear
in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit through
the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind; the pilot is using a
white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down
the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes
covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react
thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. After a few
minutes though, the engines start
revving, and the airplane begins
moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some
uneasiness. They start
whispering among themselves and look
desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.

Yet, the plane
starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some
passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to

the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more

hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left,
there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once. At
the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is
airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of
relief and tells the
pilot: ''You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to
scream, and we aren't going to know when to take
off!''

What is the difference between a blind man and a
sailor
in prison?
One can't see to go, the other can't go to
sea.

Why are bats blind?
Well, your eyesight
wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all
day would it?

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birdsand the bees. ''I don't want to know!'' the child said, burstinginto tears. ''Promise me you won't tell me.''Confused, the father asked what was wrong.''Oh dad,'' the boy sobbed, ''when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for.''

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:''Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.''Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:''Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!''

Why is it best to be bitten quickly by one

mosquito?
Because an itch in time saves nine.

|...This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...''Where does mommy live?''''Minneapolis.''''Where does grandma live?''''Baltimore.''''Where does grandpa live?''''Baltimore.''''And where does daddy live?''''At work!''Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

|My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said ''Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep.'' When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.The Trip to the HospitalFirst Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.The First StepFirst Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24'' X 36'' and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.The First Time the Child Fell and Got a CutFirst Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

|A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. ''I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,'' said the man. ''To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.'' The son-in-law interrupted, ''I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.'' ''I see,'' replied the father-in-law. ''Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.'' ''I hate office work,'' said the son-on-law. ''I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.'' ''Wait a minute,'' said the father-in-law. ''I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?'' ''Easy,'' said the young man. ''Buy me out.''

|Laws of Household PhysicsEver notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples: 1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies. 11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.