Newest jokes

Why won't pigs take up
jogging?
They
don't like to get that far from the table.

Why should you never invite a pig to join your

tug-of-war team?
Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

Why isn't there a Superpig?
It's too hard
for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

Why is your dad chasing those
pigs through the
garden?
We're raising mashed potatoes.

Why is the cook worried
about catching his
runaway pig?
He knows a little ham goes a long way.

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.''Really?'' said the doctor. ''You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?''The old man says, ''OK, doc. I'll think about it.'' Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.''Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.''The doctor nods knowlingly and says, ''So you took my advice and took in a boarder?''The old man winked and said, ''Yep. And she's pregnant too!''

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, ''I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!''''What did you do?'' the other nuns asked.''Well, of course I threw them in the trash,'' she replied.The second nun said, ''Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!''''Oh my!'' gasped the other nuns. ''What did you do?'' they asked.''I poked holes in all of them!'' she replied.The third nun fainted.

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. ''I'll only marry you under three conditions.'' she said.''Anything, anything,'' said the ambassador.''First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.''Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, ''Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!'' The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.''Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.'' The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, ''Yes, yes, I build, I build!'' The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. ''Finally,'' she said. ''I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool.''A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, ''Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!''

A married couple is driving down the
interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks
over at him and
says, ''Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a
divorce.''
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, ''I don't want you to
try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with
your best friend, and he's a better
lover than you.''

Again
the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his
hands
on the wheels.

She says, ''I want the house.'' Again the husband
speeds up, and now is
doing 70 mph.

She says, ''I want the
kids too.'' The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until
he's up to 80 mph.

She says, ''I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit
cards too.'' The husband slowly starts to
veer toward a bridge overpass
piling, as she says, ''Is there an
ything you want?''

The husband says, ''No, I've got everything
I need right here.''

She asks, ''What's that?''

The
husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, ''I've
got the
airbag!''

Reporter: To
what do you attribute your
old age?
Old Man: To the fact that I was born in 1890.

Reporter: What made you
go out on that
dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?
Boy Hero: I
had to do it. He had my skates on.

Little Johnny and
his mother were on a
train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in
his mother's
ear.
'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's

rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out
loud.'
'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly,

haggard old witch ?'

Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and

fat and ugly?
Boyfriend: Of course I do !

Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty
?
Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably

say 'oink, oink '!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ''Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.'' ''What?'' said the puzzled groom. ''How can that be if you've been married ten times?'' ''Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'' ''Good,'' said the new husband, ''but, why?'' ''You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!''

If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who

is most likely to get hit by lightning?
The conductor.

Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody

believes?
The weatherman.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy
days?
Because then the children have to play inside.

Why do hurricanes
travel so
fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them

slow-i-canes.