Newest jokes

What's big and purple and hugs your Easter

basket?
The Easter Barney!

What's red and blue and
sogs up your
Easter basket?
Coloured scrambled eggs

What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang
Syne.

What did the baby owl's parents say when he
wanted
to go to a party?
You're not owld enough.

What do confused owls say?

Too-whit-to-why?

What does an educated owl say?
Whom.

Spell ''pound'' in two letters.
Lb.

What ten letter word starts with
g-a-s?
Automobile.

Can you spell eighty in two
letters?
A-T.

What insect can be spelled with just one
letter?
Bee.

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual

morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.


''There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has
been declared,'' the weather report said.

''You must
park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.''
Ole said,
''Jeez, okay,'' and got up from his coffee. The next day they
were
sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast
was, ''There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today,
and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the
even numbered
side of the streets.''

Again Ole replied, ''Jeez, okay,'' and got
up from his coffee. Two days
later, again they're sitting down
with their cups of coffee and the
weather forecast said, ''There will
be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a
snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the...''
and the power went out
and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned
to Lena, ''Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?'' Lena
replied, ''Aw,
Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage
today.''

What is long, black, and smelly? - The unemployment line.

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in NewYork.She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to awealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, ''MAMA, I'm pregnant!Don't get excited. The father is my boss.'' She began to sob uncontrollablywhile her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mothercharged into the office of the boss. ''YOU,'' she shouted, ''What'sgoing to be?''The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his midthirties, held up his hand: ''Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'mmaking all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctormoney can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she willreceive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week.'' The mother wastaken aback and thought for a moment.''Tell me,'' she said, ''God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?''

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. Hisfather took him into his study and said, ''I'll make a deal with you. Youbring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut andthen we'll talk about it.''After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father ifthey could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father'sstudy where the father said - ''Son, I've been very proud of you. You havebrought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut.'' The young man waited a moment and then replied, ''You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.'' The rabbi said, ''Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.

|Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?A: A dependent Claus.

|How many letters are there in the alphabet?Noel, noel, noel, noel ... the angels did say...E.T. went home.Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!(Only one vowel left, or is that ''Anly ana vawal laft'' This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.And of course, Y not.We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in SeptemberTWA just took off!!

|A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. ''Why are you crying?'' the father asked. ''Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.'' answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. ''What are you so happy about?'' he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, ''There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!''

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:''How large is the population here?''''Around 1.5 billion'' -- the guide answersAmerican, After a short pause: ''So, what else do you do here?''

A 10pm curfew was imposed in BelfastEverybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.''Why did you do that?'' the soldier was asked by his superior officer.''I know where he lives,'' he replied, ''and he wouldn't have made it.''

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....''Mate'', the aussie said, ''Over there we shear them''.The kiwi replied, ''Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone''