Newest jokes

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and ''splash'' they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: ''Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!''

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.''You can't keep him from playing!'' the coach roared. ''We won't win this weekend without him!''''I don't care,'' the dean said. ''Things have gotten out of hand at this college.''''What do you mean, out of hand?'' the coach demanded.''I'll show you what I mean,'' the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, ''Tell me,how much is six times seven?''The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, ''Thirty- one?''The dean turned to the coach and said, ''I rest my case.''''Oh, come on now,'' the coach said. ''Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one.''

|A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.''Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!'' the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.i||3galr3pr0duct|on0fa!h!a!j0k3s''Well, son'', said the Game Warden, '' You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!''''Yes Sir'', replied the young feller,'' But my friend back there, well, he don't have one''...

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger
?
No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken

!

Girl: How much is a soft drink
?
Waitress: Fifty cents.
Girl: How much is refill ?
Waitress: The first is
free.
Girl: Well then, I'll have a refill.

What does a Chinese restaurant
serve
for Easter?
Coloured eggrolls!

Hello? Fred's Restaurant.
Hello! I'd
like to know, do you serve crabs?
We serve anyone, sir! Come on
in!

Teacher: In music, if ''f'' means
''forte'',
what does ''ff'' mean ?
Pupil: Eighty

Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read

Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have you read then
?
Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with ''A man one told me ....''

My teacher's got a
pretty face if you can
read between the lines.

Counselor: Wash your face.
I can see what you
had for breakfast.
Henry: If you're so smart, what did I
have?
Counselor: Eggs.
Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!

What is the hottest part of a
man's
face?
His sideburns.

Why is your nose in the middle of your
face?
Because it is the scenter (centre).

Why is your face all scratched ?
My girlfriend
said it with flowers.
How romantic.
Not really, she hit me round
the head with a bunch of thorny roses
!

Why does an elephant have four feet?Because it would look silly with six inches.

What do you get if you sleep under a cow?A PAT on the head.Sent by Jimmy

How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those

eggs?
He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

What happened when the
Easter Bunny met the
rabbit of his dreams?
They lived hoppily ever after!