Newest jokes

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said, ''I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed''.So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again. Again, he asks her what is wrong.She says, ''I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed.''So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says - ''there, now you're screwed''!

Why are there no phone books in China?Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two: ''What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?''. Man2 says, ''I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family''.Man3 says, ''I'd want them to say things like that too''.Man1 said ''Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!''.

|A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.''Are you hurt?'' asked another.''I don't know yet,'' a weak voice was heard, ''am still falling!''

|An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits. A visitor asked a student: ''Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?''''We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!'' explained the student.

|The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: ''Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition.''The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

|British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's ''206's''....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

What is the best way to hunt bear ?
With
your clothes off.

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large

goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your
time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't
wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to
load!'

A big-game hunter came across a dinosaur in
the middle of the
jungle and stared at it surprise.''You're extinct,''
he said. The
dinosaur was hard of hearing.''What was that you said?''
The hunter shouted
at the top of his voice.''You are extinct.'' The
dinosaur looked a
little nonplused. ''So would you if you'd been
dead for six milion
years.''

|Eye Halve a Spelling ChequerEye halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea.Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error riteIts rarely ever wrong.Eye have run this poem threw itI am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weighMy chequer tolled me sew.-- Sauce unknown

|The English LanguageHave you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?Let's face itEnglish is a stupid language.There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the hamburgerAnd neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.English muffins were not invented in EnglandFrench fries were not invented in France.We sometimes take English for grantedBut if we examine its paradoxes we find thatQuicksand takes you down slowlyBoxing rings are squareAnd a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.If the plural of tooth is teethShouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beethIf the teacher taught,Why didn't the preacher praught.If a vegetarian eats vegetablesWhat the heck does a humanitarian eat!?Why do people recite at a playYet play at a recital?Park on driveways andDrive on parkwaysYou have to marvel at the unique lunacyOf a language where a house can burn up asIt burns downAnd in which you fill in a form By filling it outAnd a bell is only heard once it goes!English was invented by people, not computersAnd it reflects the creativity of the human race(Which of course isn't a race at all)That is whyWhen the stars are out they are visibleBut when the lights are out they are invisibleAnd why it is that when I wind up my watchIt startsBut when I wind up this observation,It ends.

Why was
the pig unhappy in the Minors?

Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?

Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.

Why doesn't Santa hitch
his sleigh to a pig?

Pigs don't have red noses.

If you are driving at the speed of light
and you turn on your
head-lights, what happens?

What question must always be answered,
''Yes''?
''What does Y-E-S spell?''

Can you spell a composition with two
letters?
SA (essay).

Can you spell a pretty girl with two
letters?
QT (cutey).

The pro football team had just finished theirdaily practice session when a large turkey camestrutting onto the field.While the players gazed in amazement, the turkeywalked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caughtpass after pass and ran right through the defensiveline.When the turkey returned to the sidelines, thecoach shouted, ''You're terrific!!! Sign up forthe season, and I'll see to it that you get ahuge bonus.''''Forget the bonus,'' the turkey said, ''All I wantto know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?''