Newest jokes

Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell.Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty.Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out ''Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!''

Along time ago two Scottsmen are in a pub.One scottsman says, ''I'm going to invent a game.'' The second man asks, ''What do you have to do?'' The first man says, ''You have to get a ball in a hole.''The second man asks, ''So it's like billiards?''The first man says, ''No, its going to be much farther away.''The second man asks ''So, it's somthing like bowling?''The first man says, ''No, it's going to be played on grass, and it's going to twist and turn.''So the second man asks, ''So it's kind of like croquet?''The first man says, ''NO, I'm going to put in tall grass, and water, and sand, and trees, just to piss you off!''So the second man asks, ''So you do this once?''The first man replies, ''NO, you do it EIGHTEEN TIMES!!''

my wife is too afraid of cockroaches,one fine day i heard scream of my wife.she saw a cockroach and was screaming. i asked her totake the killing spray and to spray on the cockroach.she took the spray and turned to me and said,''THIS SPRAY IS ONLY TO KILL THE MUSQUITOS,'' andhow can it works for the cockroach,I said to her. ''Don't show the lable to the cockroach''

What do polar bears have for lunch ?

Ice burger !

What do you get if you cross a grizzly
bear and a harp ?
A bear faced lyre !

What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is

completely unknown ?
Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's
forgotten cousin !

What do you get
if you cross a
skunk with a bear ?
Winnie the Pooh !

There's a guy who's hiking in the

woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The
bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then,

the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb
down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns,
and this time he's
brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears
climb up the tree,
the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the
guy climbed even
higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him.
Eventually, the
bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the
tree again. Suddenly,
the two bears return. But this time the guy
knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

Once a man went to a resturant and ordered

an egg. When it was brought he didn't liked it so he informed the

waiter that the egg was bad.
Came the reply:
''I don't lay
egg sir I just lay table !''

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful

restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world,
I
ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the
world.
Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

At our local
restaurant you can eat
dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?

''Can
I have some two-handed cheese,
please?'' a man in a restaurant asked
the waiter.
''What do you
mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter.
''You know, the kind
you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the
other.''

Patron 1: I eat at a different restaurant
every day.
Patron 2: I don't tip, either.

A
Mississippi professor was at a party and
became indignant when asked if
college professors were
absent-minded.

''Professors haven't got bad memories,'' he declared.
''They're not
absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now,
and don't
you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night?
Would somebody
like to ask me another question?''

''Yes,'' said
another guest. ''Is it true that professors are
absent-minded and
have bad memories?''

''Good!'' said the professor. ''I knew sooner or
later somebody would
ask me that question.''

Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the
contractor,
through the second floor of her new house to show him what
colors to paint
the rooms. ''I'd like the bathroom done in white!''


Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, ''Green up! Green
up!''

''I want the bedroom in blue!'' continued the woman.


The contractor listened and yelled out the window, ''Green up! Green

up!''

''The halls should be done in beige!'' she instructed.
Again, the man
barked out the window, ''Green up! Green up!''


''Will you stop that?!'' shouted the woman. ''Every time I give you a

color, all you do is shout 'Green up!' What the devil does that

mean?''

'Tm real sorry, ma'am!'' explained Corbett. ''But I got three

Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front
lawn!''

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English
professors, were
having lunch in the cafeteria.

During the course
of the conversation, Biddle said,

''A student gave me a peculiar
answer in class today. I asked who wrote
the Merchant of Venice and
a sophomore said, ''Please, sir, it wasn't
me!''

''Ha, ha!''
laughed Payne. ''And I suppose the little snot had done it
all
along!''

A survey was being taken on the University of

Arizona campus.

The survey taker asked a soccer player,
''What do you think of
bilingualism?''

''Oh, I think it's okay,''
said the boy, ''if it's between consenting
adults.''

First Witch: I like your toad.
He always has
such a nice expression on his face.
Second Witch: It's because
he's a hoptimist.

Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling

ugly faces.
Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will
notice.

Fred: Do
you like my new hairstyle?
Harry:
In as much as it covers most of your face, yes.