Newest jokes

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on

the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
Teacher: Now, Louise, who
discovered Australia ?
Pupil: Fred did !

I never actually grapsed the whole ''Trick or treat'' ultimatum.Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld

Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?A: A little fucker about so tall.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?Quattro sinko.

Q: Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.A: Because they travel in schools.

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?Because the batteries died.

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital
and tells the desk
nurse, ''I want to see the eye-ear
doctor.''
''There is no such doctor'' she tells him. ''Perhaps you would like to

see someone else?''
''No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor,'' he
says.
''But there is no such doctor,'' she replies. ''We have doctors for the

eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear
doctor.''
No help. He repeats, ''I want to see the eye-ear
doctor.''

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:

''Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would

you want to see him?''
''Because,'' he replies, ''I keep hearing one
thing and seeing
another.''

George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac

river on foot.
The Washington Post : ''President Bush crosses the
Potomac River''.
The Washington Time : ''Bush's conservative approach
saves taxpayers a
boat''.
Mother Jones : ''Bush can't swim''.

A shy guy goes into a bar and
sees a
beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. ''Would

you mind if I chatted with you for a while?''

To which she
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I
won't sleep with you
tonight!''

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back
to his table. After
a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles
at him and says, ''I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
journalist and I've got an assignment to
study how people respond to
embarrassing situations.''

To which
he responds, at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean
$200?''

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a

sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear
starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first hiker gets his
sneakers out of his knapsack and starts
putting them on.

The
second hiker says, ''What are you doing?''

The first responds, ''I
figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll
have to jump down and
make a run for it.''

The second says, ''Are you crazy? Don't you
know you can't outrun a
bear?

The first guy says, ''I don't
have to outrun the bear... I only have
to outrun you!''

What do you call a lion wearing a
cravat and a flower
in its mane ?
A dandy lion !

Why do you never see zebras or
antelopes at Victoria
Station ?
Because it's a 'mane-lion' station
!

What do you call a show full
of
lions ?
The mane event !

How does a leopard change its spots ?

When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another !

What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampoon is for? For flossing after eating.

|What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?Santa Clues!Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.Now thats what you call pot luck!What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?Freeze a jolly good fellow ! What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?Santapplause ! Twinkle Twinkle chocolate barSanta drives a rusty carPress the starterPress the chokeOff he goes in a cloud of smoke ! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?Santa Jaws ! Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe ! Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?Because they both have ''Sandy claws'' ! What does Father Christmas call his money ?Iced lolly ? What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?Santa pause !

Q: What do you call
a blind German?
A: A
Not See (Nazi)

Q: How did a blind man drive his car?

A:
One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.

Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet?

A: Her
dog was blind too.

Q: How did a blind man
meet his
wife?

A: On a blind date!