Newest jokes

Q. What do you call a line
dancer on a
cruise?
A. An Ocean ''Liner''

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very

old dance called the Politician. ''All you have to do'' she told her

class ''is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then
side-step
side-step and turn around.''

''What's wrong, sonny?''
asked the old
timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on
the curb, crying his heart out.
''I'm crying 'cause I can't do
what the big boys do!'' So the old
man sat
down and wept too.

How do you get four old ladies to say the F
word?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed

a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she
smiled and said, ''You can go home
now.''

What's the worst thing about having to kiss

Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the
head.

A tourist was being led through the
swamps of Florida. ''Is it
true,'' he asked, ''that an alligator
won't attack you if you carry a
flashlight?''
''That depends,'' replied
the guide, ''on how fast you carry the
flashlight.''

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When askedwhy had she left her previous employment, she replied, ''Yes,sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculousplace I ever worked. Last night they played a game calledBridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about tobring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, ''Lay down andlet's see what you've got.'' Another man said, ''I've gotstrength but no length.'' Another man says to the lady,''Take your hand off my trick!''''I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,''You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength forone raise.'' Another lady was talking about protecting herhonor. Another lady said, ''Now it's time for me to play withyour husband and you can play with mine.''''Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, Ihope to die if one of them didn't say, ''Well, I guess we'llgo home now. This is the last rubber''

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect fortheir fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing timestanding up. Roberts looks around and asks, ''Now, who is going to tell the wife?'' They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. ''Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.'' Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, ''Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'' She hollers, ''TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'' Rippington says, ''I'll tell him.''

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. ''Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.'' ''Great,'' says Sam, ''after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'' As Enoch is leaving he stops, ''Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking.'' ''Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'' Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. ''More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'' Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. ''Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.'' Once again Enoch turns from the door. ''I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.'' ''Now that's not a problem,'' says Sam, ''Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'' Enoch stops in the door again and says, ''Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.''

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes thedirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow driesits fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,''Did you hear that Fluffy died?''.The guy stumbles around and says, ''Um.. er.. no.. what happened?''.The neighbor replies, ''We just found him dead in his cage one day.But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we wentoutside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put himback into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!''

A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.

What do you call someone who draws funny
pictures of
motor vehicles ?
A car-toonist !

What do you call a person who falls onto

you on a train ?
A laplander !

What do you call a pretend railway
?
A play station !

Why did the man put his car in the
oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.

What did the man put on his car when

the weather was cold?
An extra muffler.

What do you call a 100
year old frog ?
An
old croak !

Do you need a silencer if you are going
to shoot a
mine?

Is it ok to use my AM radio after

NOON?