Newest jokes

Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen,

were discussing what kind of work would supply mem with big bucks
after
graduation.

''Well, I've always thought I'd like to be
a doctor,'' said
Higginbote. ''Specialize in something or other. Like
obstetrics, maybe.''

''Obstetrics?'' scoffed Goldstein. ''At the
rate science is going,
you'd no sooner learn all about it when
bingo! somebody'd find a cure for
it.''

Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North
Carolina campus.

One day Tipton came in and said to his
roommate, ''I hear there's a
new case of herpes in the dorm.''


''Great!'' said Baldwin. ''I was getting tired of 7-Up!''

Three students from Michigan State, the

University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were
caught
smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The
judge
turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, ''Do you have any
final words,
son?''

''Yeah, drop dead!'' snapped the Wolverine.


Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried
out.
The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in
astonishment,
the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches
from the
victim's throat.

''It's God's will! Let him go!''
cried the judge.

Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on
the block, and the judge
asked again, ''And what are your final
remarks, my boy?''

''Go to hell!'' shouted the student, and the judge
signaled. The
razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just
a quarter inch from the
condemned boy's neck. ''It's the wi
ll of God!'' exclaimed the judge.
''Set him free!''

Finally
the Texan was put into position. ''Before you're beheaded,''
said the
judge, ''do you have any last words?''

''Yeh!'' replied the Aggie.
''If y'all will just put a little more
grease on them grooves, the
blade'll come down a whole lot
easier!''

Professor:
A wise man doubts everything.


Only a pin-head is positive.

Student: Are you sure of
that, sir?

Professor: Positive.

There was the Florida State defensive tackle

who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter.

|A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.Luckily, the bears were still there. ''He's in THAT one!'' cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.''What did you do that for?!'' exclaimed the lawyer, ''I said he was in the other bear!''''Exactly,'' replied the sheriff. ''Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?''

|A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said ''Why did you put up such a fight?''To which the man promptly replied ''I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!''

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-poundbox of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. ''No woman,'' said one man, scornfully, ''can keep a secret.'' ''I don't know about that,'' huffily answered a woman guest. ''I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'' ''You'll let it out some day,'' the man insisted. ''I hardly think so!'' responded the lady. ''When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep itforever.''

Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because
they're full of anty-bodies !

What do you call a scruffy,
lazy ant?

Decadant.

What do you call a stupid ant?
Antwerp.

What kind of bugs bother sporting dogs?

Ath-fleats!

|These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, ''Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?''The Saudi says, ''What's a shortage?''The Russian says, ''What's meat?''The North Korean says, ''What's an opinion?''The New Yorker, says, ''Excuse me?? What's excuse me?''

|An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, ''Hey you, what are you doing?''''I have to throw this away,'' replied the tourist.''You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me,'' the policeman offered.The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. ''Here,'' said the cop, ''dump all the garbage you want.''The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.''Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?'' asked the tourist.''No. This is the American Embassy.''

Two Virginia boys, Sonny
and Rick, went
out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the
bushes
and, by mistake, shot his friend.

After trying to remove the
bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.

Two hours later, after the
physician had patched up the wounded hunter,
Sonny asked, ''Please, Doc.
How's my friend?''

''Well,'' answered the M.D., ''he'd be a lot
better off if you hadn't
taken out his gut!''

What's a big game hunter?
Someone who's
lost his way to the match.

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to

dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank,

they turn off the surveillence cameras

You can read
his mind in his face.
Yes,
it's usually a complete blank.