Newest jokes

A small village was troubled by a man-eating
lion.
So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie,
to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in
wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the
village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over
his shoulders, he went to the pasture
to
wait for the
lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached,
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There
was no sign
of
the lion.

''What happened, Jonesie? Where is
the lion?'' asked the chief.

''Forget the damn lion!'' he howled.
''Which one of you idiots let the
bull
loose?''

|Subject: You Deserve a Break TodaySan Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food ''of fair average quality,'' or ''comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain.''Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....

|A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver's license?Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, can I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.Captain: Who's car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.Driver: No problem.Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Q: What does a man and a floor have in common? A: You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!

What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex? Fill his water bed with gasoline.

Teacher: What's the longest word in the
English
language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the
first and last
letters

How can if
you have a stupid dog ?
It
chases parked cars !

How did the dog make anti-freeze?
He stole her
blanket.

How many hairs are in a dog's tail?
None. They
are all on the outside.

Why is a dog like a baseball
player?
He
runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

Why didn't the dog
speak to his foot
?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !

|The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ''Your holiness,'' said one of the Cardinals, ''Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.'' The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ''Not to worry,'' said the Cardinal, ''we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!'' Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. ''I came in second, your Holiness,'' said Nicklaus. ''Second?!!'' exclaimed the surprised Pope. ''You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!'' ''No,'' said Nicklaus, ''second to Rabbi Woods.''

Why did the piglets get in trouble in
their
biology class?
They ate all the specimens.

Why did the piglets do badly in
school?

They were all slow loiners.

A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was
pushed off by
the people inside. There's no room,' they said. 'It's
full up!'
'But you must let me on!' shouted the man.
'Why,
what's so special about you?' they asked.
I'm the driver,'
replied the man.

Why did the bus stop?
Because it saw the zebra
crossing.

What do you call a sleeping bull?A bulldozer

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the localgrocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly,asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.''Nope, no laundry,'' the boy said, ''I'm going to wash my dog!''''But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's verypowerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him.''But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergentto the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer stilltried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy somecandy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.''Oh, he died,'' the boy said sadly.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he wassorry the dog died but added, ''I tried to tell you not to usethat detergent on your dog!''''Well,'' the boy replied, ''I don't think it was the detergentthat killed him.''''Oh? What was it then?''''I think it was the spin cycle!''

What does a lion call a antelope?Fast food.Sent by jessica

What do you call a dog with no legs?Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!Sent by Melissa