Newest jokes

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says ''Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!''.The grasshopper says ''Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!''.

What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?A train says, ''Chew, Chew!'' and a Teacher says, ''Spit the gum out!''

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia
came upon a wild dog
attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the
animal and throttled it with
his two hands.

A reporter saw the
incident, congratulated the man and told him the
headline the
following day would read, ''Valiant Local Man Saves Child by
Killing
Vicious Animal.''

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from
that town.

''Well, then,'' the reporter said, ''the headline will
probably say,
'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing
Dog'.''

''Actually,'' the man said, ''I'm from Connecticut.''

''In that case,''
the reporter said in a huff, ''the headline should
read, 'Yankee
Kills Family Pet'.''

A cub reporter for
a small town
newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following
report to his editor. ''Mrs. Smith was injured in a
car accident
today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her
breasts.''

The Editor scolded the new reporter, ''This is a family
paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and
write something
more appropiate!''

The young reporter thought
long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor
the following report.
''Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.
She is recovering
in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
''

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a
journalist are
covering a political convention in Miami. They
decide to walk up and down
the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up
the beach, they stumbled
upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie
appears and says ''Normally I
would grant you three wishes, but
since there are three of you, I will
grant you each one
wish.''

The photographer went first. ''I would like to spend the rest of my

life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.'' The

genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.

The journalist went next. ''I would like to spend the rest of my life

living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money

worries.'' The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the

Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. ''And
what would your
wish be?'' asked the genie.

''I want the
m both back after lunch'' replied the editor, ''the
deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

A photographer for a national
magazine
was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at
the
scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
his
home office to hire a plane.
''It will be waiting for you at the
airport!'' he was assured by his
editor. As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, ''Let's go! Let's go!''
The pilot swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the
air.

''Fly over the north side of the fire,'' said the
photographer, ''and
make three or four low level passes.''
''Why?'' asked the
pilot.
''Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and

photographers take pictures!'' said the photographer with great
exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, ''You mean you're not
the
instructor?''

What do you call a
ghost at midnight?
A
sheet in the dark!

What did the little ghost eat for lunch?
A
booloney sandwich!

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? ''Why does it work?''What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? ''How does it work?''What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? ''How much will it cost?''What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask? ''Do you want fries with that?''

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: ''The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.'' He continued, ''Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?'' At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: ''How much for a season pass?''

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.'' Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, ''That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,'' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.

A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you

were beautiful.

There's a technical term for a sunny, warm
day which
follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.

Why did the lady go out
doors with her
purse open? Because she expected some change in the
weather.

Nate: ''Hey, what's the weather like out
there?'' Kate: ''I
don't know. I'll tell you when it clears.''

First cave man to 2nd cave
man: ''I don't
care what you say. We never had such unusual weather
before they
started using bows and arrows.''

As the bus came to the stop, the man
at the
front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and

caught it before getting on the bus. An amazed conductor said, 'What
on
earth did you do that for?' 'I wanted to know if there was room on

top,' replied the man.

When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting

upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top, but it's very
hard getting the horse up the
stairs.

If buttered toast always
lands
buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would
happen
if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and

dropped it?

How many weeks
are there in a light
year?